Winner of the 12th Annual International Latino Book Awards!!

I am very proud to share with you the latest event that took place this past May 25 at the Javits Center in New York City, where the 2010 International Latino Book Awards Winners were announced. This major event showcases the diversity and importance of our multicultural community.

My latest book Parents Who Cheat received First Place.

12th Annual International Latino Book Awards Winner

Best Parenting/Family Book - English

Parents Who Cheat. How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their parents Are Unfaithful - Dr. Ana Nogales - Health Communications, Inc.

Latino Literacy Now is a non-profit organization that supports and promotes literacy and literary excellence within the Latino community. They created the Latino Book Awards back in 1999 in recognition of the many positive contributions being made to Latino literature by publishers and writers worldwide.  

I feel very proud and I am glad that many people is reading and using this book as an aid in dealing with problems that may have originated with a parent’s unfaithfulness. In my book I also suggest ways that parents can minimize the negative effects of infidelity on a child.

Thank you all and I as always welcome your comments.

Remember to buy a copy for your friends and family from Amazon today!

-Dr. Ana Nogales.

We all long for a special connection

In talking about new serious relationships, I have mentioned how we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner and fail to see any negative attributes: we fall in love. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled in by an intense physical attraction, by the possibility to be deeply connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support.

But is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he or she verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship? For many, this question is not so easy to answer. I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are the positive traits. Maybe it is the way your partner used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way your partner treats you when he or she gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches. Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into an appetizing meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison-the abuse, the violence, and the hurt-has spoiled everything else in the pot. If you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Behind closed doors ...

The Sanford and Edwards infidelity stories bring up a more general issue that touches countless lives: Family secrets. Can partners and parents really keep secrets from each other and from their children - or will those secrets eventually surface and become even more painful? Is it always best to tell the truth, even if it means hurting your partner-and your child?

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Although parents may think children are immune to what happens "behind closed doors," they aren't. Children usually sense when something is seriously wrong between their parents, even if mom and dad try to keep their problems a secret. When parents attempt to hide what's really going on, children are left with their keen intuition and active imagination. They intuit that their parents are feeling differently, and they "fill in the blanks" about what might be causing those emotional changes, often blaming themselves.

When infidelity results in a family crisis, I strongly believe that children are entitled to know what happened. Shielding them from the truth only adds to their sense of unease and confusion. With that said, it can be tricky for parents to decide how much they should reveal to a child. Obviously, children don't need to know details of an affair, and what they are told will depend on their age. But children should be informed of the general facts, so that their feelings of confusion and distress can be validated and dealt with. Parents can explain that adults may make serious mistakes, even hurt the people they love.

Children who are told the truth in an age-appropriate way will fare far better than those who discover the secret on their own or are forced to live with unconfirmed suspicions about those they love.

Does the holiday spirit vanish with childhood?

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The holidays can usher in an emotional tug of war-between happy childhood memories and not-so-happy adult tensions. For many, the disconnect between how the holidays felt then and how they feel now can lead to cynicism and even depression. Perhaps when you were a child, your family's festive celebrations, special meals and treats, and brightly wrapped packages made you believe in the magic of the season. But now those recollections may only make the upcoming holidays seem like a fraud, as phony as leaving cookies and milk for Santa. The preparations and festivities continue, but the feeling is gone.

When we compare our childlike excitement to our current end-of-the-year stress, it's no wonder we often wind up with the blues. Even if we'd like to recapture the December thrill we once felt, how is that possible with so many pressures? This year in particular, many have lost their jobs or their homes, struggle to pay bills, or wonder how they'll afford to buy holiday gifts. Some families are anxious about loved ones who are putting their lives on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan. And all of us have personal concerns that can interfere with our enjoyment of the holidays.

Experiencing the delight we once felt as children doesn't come as easily when we're worried about relatives in the military, financial woes, or a troubled relationship. But that doesn't mean we have to consign ourselves to a go-through-the-motions holiday season. The holidays are whatever we choose to make them. We can be miserable, or we can consciously create a new type of celebration. We may not feel like we once did upon discovering our first gift-filled stocking, but we can still strive to feel the love that this season celebrates.

I believe that it is in our power to feel connected to the season in a meaningful way-if we allow ourselves to approach the holidays a little differently. You might reach out to someone you find interesting and make time to get together; take a walk at night with a child who will thrill to the Christmas lights; or get up the nerve to join a sing-a-long in your community. You could also spend some quality time alone doing something that brings you joy-painting, baking, dancing, or watching your all time favorite movie. Or how about sharing your time with those who are in a hospital or a homeless shelter?

A few years ago I had the best Christmas I'd ever had when I went to visit a fourteen-year-old cancer patient at the Children's Hospital. I thought it would be depressing, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. Not only was I received with gratitude and a radiant smile, I also got the chance to appreciate how important it is to share our love while we still can.

While we may not feel the same joyful anticipation of a six-year-old waiting for Santa, we can make the conscious choice to feel the love within us-somehow, some way.

"The twilight years are our time to enjoy ..."

We hear about child abuse very often, but it is not so common to hear about elderly abuse because it sounds like a major atrocity. Within the Latino community, elderly people are seen as icons of respect and admiration. They are seen as role models. Nevertheless, stories like Irene’s are not unique. Irene, a 75 year old grandmother, dedicated her life to her children. She provided them with the best education she could, in spite of a complicated marriage and an alcoholic husband. Irene had 5 children; unfortunately, her three sons followed in their father’s footsteps, learning to drown their sorrows with alcohol. Her two daughters became pregnant during their adolescence and were unable to keep stable relationships. In spite of her dedication, Irene could not see her efforts reflected in her children, all she saw was a clear reflection of her husband. Although he had passed away 18 years prior, leaving Irene as the sole source of income, she continued supporting her children in their adulthood because she could not allow them to live in the streets. Irene provided for both them and her grandchildren with her small social insurance check and other extra jobs she did for the school’s snack bar. Irene does not regret having provide them with all that she wanted to, but it may be possible she made a mistake. By trying to make up for the lack of affection from an abusive father, their children learned that they ‘’deserve’’ everything. Her children, as well as their father, felt that the ‘’world owes them and also their mother due to the fact that they did not ask to be born.’’ Due to their twisted concept of what it means to take responsibilities for one’s own life, Irene’s children did not leave ‘’their boss,’’ staying with her until they exhausted her means. Although Irene worked tirelessly to provide for her children, they pawned the house she was fighting to keep with savings she had accrued while enduring her marriage tortures. Subsequently, the house was repossessed by the bank when the payments were not made. Irene was forced to ask for accommodation from the church she faithfully attended, where, ironically, other children of God were able to provide her with the shelter her own children could not. You may hear several stories similar to Irene’s- elderly men and women who are emotionally, economically, and physically mistreated. There are elderly people who fear both their children and their own financial well-being. And, not only are their children maliciously uncaring towards them, there even exist people who seek to take advantage of this situation, people who would get married to take over an elderly person’s money, mistreating and neglecting the elderly person once married. The following list shows certain situations considered to be ‘’important facts’’ when a new person, relative, or friend in charge of an elderly person suddenly shows a newfound interest in their situation:
	Changes on the will terms, when a person is not mentally stable to change them.
	Changes in the bank accounts, including financial movements which were not common before.
	Changes on the land registers
	Valuable possessions disappearing at the elderly person’s home.
	Special financial interest of the person in charge
	Promises of special care or observation of certain attitudes that seems like unbounded affection ‘’suspicious’’ for somebody who is outside the circle.
Statistics show that more than a million elderly people in the United States are financially exploited by their family or friends. This cannot be allowed. The twilight years are our time to enjoy what benefits we sowed in our lives and to prepare ourselves for our departure. Elderly abuse must be immediately reported to the authorities.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Alcohol And Rape On Campus

A female patient of mine who was a university student told me about a terrible ordeal she had recently gone through. Wanting to relax after a tense week of studying for exams, she accepted an invitation to go out for a drink with one of her male classmates. Social drinking is accepted in our culture—especially on college campuses—and this young woman felt that there was nothing unusual about meeting a friend for a drink. Things, however, did not go as she planned. After a few drinks, she and her friend, whom she thought of “as a brother,” went back to her apartment. He followed her into her bedroom and raped her.

Unfortunately, my patient’s story is not unique. On college campuses, 70% of rape cases occur due to the effects of alcohol—in spite of all the information, prevention guidelines, and advice provided by parents and campus officials, and 80% of rapes are committed by someone who is well-known to the victim. Alcohol slows down reflexes, eliminates inhibitions, and makes people act in a manner that is completely different from when they are sober. Although my patient’s classmate called her the following day apologizing and stating that he was ashamed of his behavior, the damage had already been done. The effects of her trauma (and his remorse) will last forever. The young man in this case was somewhat unusual in that he felt guilty after the fact. Other students in his circumstance often tell themselves that they are not responsible because the woman was drunk and seemed to go along with it, or that the she should have said “no” more emphatically.

The consequences of irresponsible drinking can last a lifetime.There is no doubt that alcohol is responsible for many crimes and is also associated with poor decisions and serious accidents involving young people. The dangers of drinking among young people can affect men as well as women. A man may be sent to jail, be responsible for conceiving a child with a woman he hardly knows, or contract a sexually transmitted disease. Although social drinking may be a fashionable option, it is not always a wise one.

When young people make the decision to drink, moderation is the best rule—as is associating with trustworthy friends who will never pressure you into dangerous intimacy. For young women, additional protection methods are advisable. Self-defense courses that teach women to defend themselves against potential assault may be the most practical classes they ever take.

“Express your will and never compromise ...”

Aggressiveness and domestic violence are socially unacceptable, even in a home setting. Nevertheless, in some cultures, to “express your will and never compromise” is viewed as very masculine. In daily life, the aggressive person and those he strikes suffer the consequences of what we observe to be a character flaw or a lack of positive communication skills.

I talked before about the male who responds with violence in his home or under certain other circumstances in which he knows it must be tolerated, does “suffer shame” and it is this very shame that produces his anger and consequent aggressive behavior.

This is a particular type of shame caused by the man’s feeling inferior to others, and even more so in the presence of a woman. To dispel doubts and insecurities, he tries to impose a manly presence at the cost of harming even the people he loves the most. Most such men witnessed violence in the home by their own fathers, thus learning that violence is a possible way of affecting those over whom you are losing control.

The internal world of the aggressor is very confused. This is a person who finds it very difficult to be intimate with another, causing him shame, ill feeling, and frustration at not understanding the mechanisms of his difficulties.

But, when he realizes his problem—probably developed at a young age for lack of parents or the security they should have provided him—he can begin to bring his actions under control.
In this way, a person discovers that, underneath the courage and fury, there is a feeling of impotence, rejection, abandonment, and low personal self esteem that causes him to act impulsively. When he understands this dynamic, a person can allow compassion for himself without attacking or blaming anyone, simply understanding himself and learning how to communicate more efficiently.

Unfortunately, many men ignore these factors, because they have been taught to not focus on their emotional life and they only react after they have already lost their mate and family, which happens in 50% of these cases.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

What causes some men to be aggressive?

We cannot assign responsibility only to a macho society and blame it for all the nastiness. Also, there must be a reason why some men are violent and others are not.
There are certain psychopathological conditions, such as those demonstrated by the sociopath, that produce violent behavior in women as well as men, with responses that are atypical of the very separate problem of domestic violence. We are speaking here of people who respect no social standards and who respond to no type of conventional treatment; those who often end up in jail, paying for their crime.

The difference is in an emotion: shame. For example, the psychopath ‘has no shame.” He doesn’t hold himself responsible due to lack of consciousness that he has done anything wrong. This person feels no remorse for his faults.
However, the male who responds with violence in his home or under certain other circumstances in which he knows it must be tolerated, does “suffer shame” and it is this very shame that produces his anger and consequent aggressive behavior.


- Dr. Ana Nogales

The Wisdom in Giving Up - Scene 3

Jenny’s story is another example of someone who gave up in order to embark on a more positive path. For a long time, she had relentlessly pursued an unrequited love. Her pursuit was fruitless in that the more she insisted upon the relationship, the more she drove away her would-be partner. Despite her heartache and suffering, Jenny finally decided to give up her pursuit. She realized that one cannot beg to be loved. She could, however, continue to be a loving person. When she gave herself permission to be loving in general, she expanded her emotional life. Even without a partner, her loving attitude made her happier. And with her open outlook, a new partner appeared—someone who could love her back. By giving up her attempt to make someone love her who was not interested in a relationship, Jenny eventually learned that her capacity to love went far beyond her previous obsession.

The Wisdom in Giving Up - Scene 2

A similar transformation took place in Carlos’ life. He had always worked extremely hard so that he could one day enjoy a better lifestyle. But after pushing himself year after year to work many long hours, he began to suffer intense back pain, his diabetes got worse, and he had a heart attack. Maybe his decision to give up his punishing work schedule came a little late, but Carlos finally realized that he was lucky to be alive and that pushing himself that hard in order to make more money made no sense. He began to question what it meant to live well and realized that his health and well-being were more important than greater financial success. By giving up, Carlos learned to enjoy what he already had.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The Wisdom in Giving Up - Scene 1

When you reach the point of saying, ‘I’ve had enough—I refuse to be continually unhappy!’ you’ll discover that new doors are open to you. Maria, a patient of mine who was a victim of domestic violence, recently told me, ‘I’ve had it up to here with my misery! From now on, I will own my life—I will not hand it over to anyone else!’ In order for her to arrive at that decision, Maria had to declare that she had given up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that declaration, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Still unsure whether or not to give up a losing battle?

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There are times when life won’t allow us to follow our chosen course. We keep pushing toward what we think we want, but one obstacle after another continues to block our way. We ask ourselves, ‘Shall I give up…or should I keep trying?’ After endlessly complaining about our dilemma, and asking the people we trust for their advice, we go on debating within ourselves—still unsure whether or not to give up a losing battle.


For many people, the notion of giving up signifies surrender and failure. For others, pulling back and considering other options seems both smart and logical. Is it possible that giving up is sometimes the wisest course of action?

Very often those who are unhappy in their lives—who may be suffering in abusive relationships or stressed out with endless projects or miserable in an unsatisfying work situation—still feel the need to stay the course. They continue pushing in the direction that has always brought them misery and unhappiness, yet gets them no closer to the life they yearn for. The changes they desire fail to come about, while their dissatisfaction intensifies.

If you identify with this scenario, perhaps it is time for you to consider the option of giving up. What I’m talking about has nothing to do with failure; rather, I am suggesting that when we feel stuck in an unhappy or unproductive situation, we can give it up in order to consider our options and take an alternate path. There is always the possibility to make changes in our lives by identifying actions we can take that will improve our circumstances and lighten our spirit. But first we need to give up what hasn’t worked for us in the past.

Then looking at humorous programs on television can help us?

Television networks are acknowledging the need for humor more and more and are offering us programming accordingly. I continue to see more comedies and shows designed specifically to make us laugh. Regrettably, Spanish television has not yet taken this road to the extent that English television has. A show that promises to be a total hit is George Lopez's-he's an excellent comedian (ABC-Channel 7, Wednesday 8.30 p.m.).

We can also see the popularity of humor in commercial movies. Have you observed how many grown ups go to the movies to see children's animated films? The desire to laugh at what's on the screen reflects our need for positive stimulation and to disconnect from our worries. This is related to our need for play; however, nothing has the same impact as playing, even in adults.

There is no doubt that playing is healthy. Scientific research has demonstrated that people who play live longer and are more vibrant and energetic. This does not mean that you should leave your obligations behind and focus solely on play.

But knowing about the benefits of laughter does lead us to pay more attention to this aspect of our lives. It's much more valuable than we thought. Furthermore, when our work is joyful-in a way that blurs the line between play and work-we derive maximum benefits.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Why Should We Laugh?

The song says "it's better to laugh than to cry."

Image by superk8nyc via Flickr

It may be hard to believe, but laughter actually effects our body's capacity to create immunity to different diseases, according to a study by the University of California, Loma Linda. It was shown that the effects of laughter decrease the level of cortisol, which suppresses the immune system. Those effects also raise the activity of the cells that combat and destroy abnormal cells and double the level of plasma that strengthens the immune system.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The Complexity of Trauma ...

Modern studies of magnetic resonance and neuro-images have found that there are three areas of the brain which are affected when a person lives through a prolonged trauma: the hypothalamus, the amygdala, and the frontal lobe. These areas of the brain cause people to continue experiencing and responding with stress to a trauma even when it no longer exists. Since the trauma-related brain changes are ongoing, a hormonal imbalance is created as well.

Such studies are of particular importance to women, since women experience emotional changes during their monthly cycle, pregnancy, post-childbirth, and menopause – all of which are caused by hormonal shifts. Such hormonal changes can cause imbalances that can then lead to depression.
Some women find temporary relief from premenstrual depression by satisfying their craving for chocolate or other candies. There is a biological explanation for such cravings, since the glucose may help to restore the hormonal imbalance that produces depression and its consequential behaviors, including concentration problems, memory blackouts, lack or excess of appetite, impulsiveness, and aggression.

Children can also be similarly affected by anxiety-induced hormonal changes. Those who have lived through physical, sexual or emotional abuse, who have witnessed episodes of domestic violence or other extreme conditions, may also react biologically. A study by Victor Carrion, M.D. of Stanford University found that a child’s anxiety that is the result of traumatic experiences is correlated with higher levels of cortisone, just as occurs in adults.

All of this indicates that recovery from a trauma is complex and takes time.

Sometimes we want to feel well and are unable to do so. This is because healing the soul depends not only on our emotional strength but on the body as well.

A body that has been punished by the pain of traumatic life events needs time to heal. This is why, in addition to medical and psychological treatment, patience is an important component of the healing process.

-Dr. Ana Nogales

Living together can be so complicated!!

Every relationship requires mutual and continuous work. When one or both partners cease working on the relationship, it suffers and fails. Love is built day by day and grows with the years. Though the passion of youth may diminish, the time spent together unites a couple even more, as does the recognition that nothing is more precious than enjoying the company of the one you love. My most basic advice is to never forget to dedicate yourselves to each other to appreciate, support, and enjoy each other. And to live every moment intensely, appreciating that special person that life gave you.

-Dr. Ana Nogales

The ingredients of a healthy relationship

A very frequent question that comes up in my office is: What are the ingredients of a healthy relationship?

Anyone would easily respond that love is the most important ingredient. And it's true, because love allows us to go through the misery and torment of the roughest times, to solve conflicts and develop tolerance. But love is not the only ingredient in a happy relationship.
A study by Susan Sprecher, Ph.D. at the University of Illinois revealed that satisfaction and commitment are more important than love in couples that wish to share their lives together. Out of a total of 101 couples that were studied prior to marriage, 59% ended their relationship because they lacked satisfaction and commitment even though they stated that love was still present. Of the remaining couples, 71% got married. Further studies revealed that love, satisfaction and commitment increased with the time.

I believe that commitment is essential in a relationship, but not only the commitment to stay together. Each partner must commit to respecting, understanding and supporting the other on their particular path through life. And, of course, love allows partners to make this journey and to travel together with passion.

-Dr. Ana Nogales

"I enjoy your company"

Olivia came into my office and asked me this question: What can you recommend to people that find it difficult to use words of love?

This is a very common question in my practice. For some people, simply saying "I love you" is ridiculous because, according to them, love is expressed through acts, not words. It is true that loving words are hollow when they are not accompanied by loving behavior. Still, some individuals have difficulty expressing their feelings because their parents never did, and thus they never learned how either. Such people might find it easier to state their feelings in a less emotional way, such as "I enjoy your company" or "I like being with you." But we can't deny that expressing what we feel is a way of feeding the relationship, so when one partner holds back in their verbal expression of love, that can leave the other feeling hungry and unsatisfied. Words of love are the expression of our most intimate feelings and desires, and using them helps us feel closer to each other.

-Dr. Ana Nogales

One cannot love others unless ...

It's important to realize that we don't always know how to love ourselves. Loving ourselves implies self-care, self-respect and taking responsibility for how we conduct ourselves in our relationships. To act in this way we need to get to know and accept who we are. Until we know how to love ourselves, we lack the essential model for what it means to love, and therefore loving another isn't possible. What often makes loving ourselves a difficult process is that we've been taught to focus on our weaknesses in a negative way. Others may have criticized us and pointed out our defects without emphasizing our virtues. Perhaps this was done in order to help us correct our faults or to prevent our being "spoiled" as children.

Every relationship requires mutual and continuous work. When one or both partners cease working on the relationship, it suffers and fails. Love is built day by day and grows with the years. Though the passion of youth may diminish, the time spent together unites a couple even more, as does the recognition that nothing is more precious than enjoying the company of the one you love. My most basic advice is to never forget to dedicate yourselves to each other to appreciate, support, and enjoy each other. And to live every moment intensely, appreciating that special person that life gave you.

- Dr. Ana Nogales