We all long for a special connection

In talking about new serious relationships, I have mentioned how we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner and fail to see any negative attributes: we fall in love. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled in by an intense physical attraction, by the possibility to be deeply connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support.

But is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he or she verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship? For many, this question is not so easy to answer. I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are the positive traits. Maybe it is the way your partner used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way your partner treats you when he or she gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches. Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into an appetizing meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison-the abuse, the violence, and the hurt-has spoiled everything else in the pot. If you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

- Dr. Ana Nogales