This testimony is not from a movie ...

"I missed my sister. She came to the United States with the idea of working and helping the family. I´ve always admired her for her decision and I opted for doing the same thing. When I saw the man that offered her a job, I also I asked him for one. Back then, I was 13 years old and I was very frightened, but I wanted to follow my sister’s steps. It was not easy for me to move abroad, because I didn’t want to distance myself from my mother, but I had already made the decision. They facilitated everything for me. When I arrived at this side of the border, the man that I believed to be my savior raped me and told me that, from now on, this was how my life was going to be. I worked as a masseuse, but behind the room where the massages took place was a private room where I would have to comply with clients’ desires. The prettiest girls could choose their clients, but the uglier ones, like me, had to accept every client. I had to stay working in order to pay my transportation debts from Mexico. But the debt rose each day".

This testimony is not from a movie, it is a real case. If you believed that slavery ended at the end of the 19th century, you were wrong. Today, there are more slaves than ever before. Approximately 27 million people were victims of slavery in 2007. Nearly 900,000 people, per year, are involved in human trafficking worldwide. The majority are women and children, a third of which are under age. Approximately 50,000 people, per year, enter the United States to carry out forced jobs or to become sexual slaves. Of that amount, 10,000 come from Latin America.

Sexual slavery is at its peak of popularity and, along with the illegal commerce of weapons, is the second largest criminal industry in the world (drug trafficking is the first), producing approximately 7 billion dollars annually. It has developed into an organized crime and, with victims trafficked around the world, has become an international business with no limits. It is intimately linked with document fraud, money laundering, and drug and contraband commerce.

If you suspect or know someone who is being subjected to this living hell, inform them that authorities can protect them. Victims can receive a year’s worth of benefits, such as shelter, food and clothing, economic aid, training in job-seeking, health, psychological, and legal care, and the possibility that they may qualify for the T visa of immigration. In addition, within a couple of years they would be able to bring their children and families over with the T3 visa. Listed below is the number to call. It is not a police line, but rather a number that will directly connect the caller to agents specialized in human trafficking.

You should act immediately. Remember that you can also get in touch with professional organizations in seek of support and treatment, like Casa de la Familia. Follow this link to learn more about this non-profit Organization.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive ...

Children who grow up in toxic environments are exposed to what is known as chronic neuronal development trauma. They become impatient, impulsive, demanding, and, in many cases, arrogant. They are often criticized for their behavior and are wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive when their actions are actually a way for them to remain alert to potential danger. Such children feel that they must be ready to defend themselves at all times. Given their threatening home environment, their response to perceived potential threats is logical.

Children who have been traumatized by family violence live in a constant state of fear, which is not always evident because they are used to hiding it. Their fear is understandable, because they sense that if they ignore potential danger they could become victims of violence. Hiding their fear is also a logical behavior, since declaring their vulnerability can be dangerous as well. This defensive, fearful way of relating to others affects a traumatized child’s decision making and learning capabilities because their minds are preoccupied with trying to protect themselves. A child from such a background may be smart, but he or she tends to have learning disabilities. Parents or teachers may classify these children as “lazy,” but they are not; rather, they are investing all their energy in defending themselves against a perceived threatening environment.
Traumatized children may appear physically different in terms of their attitude and posture. They may look tense and ready to react. They also have problems sleeping and relaxing and show little tolerance for listening to or understanding others. This profile suggests the presence of anxiety, which can easily develop into medical problems, especially with respect to the cardiovascular system.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

“Can I Forgive My Parent?”

Seeing my father making efforts to gain back my mother’s faith in him made me believe he was sincere in asking for forgiveness. And once I realized that I’ve been forgiven for all of my sins, how could I not forgive my father for the hurt that he caused?
- Brenda, 33

One time my mom did ask for our forgiveness. We were eating dinner, me and my brothers and her, and she said, ‘I made some mistakes…’ but I didn’t feel like it was very heartfelt. Maybe it was, I don’t know. I remember she started crying.
- Grace, 25

I’m not sure if I really did forgive my father. I went through the motions of it, and I thought I did at the time, right before he died…but I feel a lot of frustration because I never really got to understand why he did it.
- Jane, 59


Forgiving is not condoning. Nor is it an agreement to ignore wrongdoing. Forgiving is about accepting human frailty, even in your own parents whom you look to as your primary role models. But in order to come to that acceptance, as an older child or adult child of infidelity you must go through a process of understanding, expressing, and letting go of your resentments: understanding your family’s infidelity crisis and how you were affected by it; working through and expressing your feelings about it; and then finally relinquishing your anger and resentment toward your parent or parents.

If you are a child of infidelity who wants to forgive a parent, you will need to confront such difficult questions as these:

• Can I accept that someone I love and trusted has done something wrong?
• Can I accept that my parent failed to live up to his/her professed moral values?
• Can I accept that my parent unintentionally hurt me, yet still loves me?
• Can I accept that one parent deeply hurt the other?
• Can I forgive the parent who cheated even if my betrayed parent cannot?
  

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You can get more useful tools and tips in my new book "Parents who Cheat".

"I actually got a role model.."

Anthony’s story: My mother’s lover was my role model

Anthony grew up in a home where his parents often argued about his father’s alleged affairs. In fact, he remembers feeling grateful as a child when he came down with bronchitis because it provided a respite, forcing his parents to concentrate on his health rather than bicker at each other. Anthony never saw his father with another woman, but he did come into close contact with someone else who was instrumental in shaping Anthony’s adult behavior: the man whom Anthony is certain was his mother’s secret lover. Although he has only recently become aware of the extent to which his mother’s infidelity has influenced his adult relationships, Anthony is beginning to realize that his own romantic choices and predilections are loosely modeled after those of the gentleman who was his mother’s secret boyfriend.

Anthony claims to have freely chosen to be “the other man” in a series of love triangles, but might he actually be acting out the infidelity drama that he witnessed as a young boy? Acting out is never a behavior one freely chooses. Rather, we engage in acting out behavior when we are unconsciously grappling with unresolved issues. This is how Anthony described how the drama of infidelity first appeared to him as a child.

I was pretty young, I’m not even sure how old, but my mother had a friend who would come over and visit her. In some way, I knew that they had a kind of relationship, and yet there was nothing I saw that would prove my mother was unfaithful. But this man would come and be with her and would never come over when my father was there. Even at that young age, I was suspicious. I remember asking my mother, “What is this man doing here in my house?”


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Excerpt from my book "Parents Who Cheat".

“Why Do I Feel So Ashamed?”

"... Jennifer’s father is a college professor. During her sophomore year, she decided to take a class he was teaching since it was a required course and he had the reputation for being one of the best professors in the department. Unfortunately, along with listening to his brilliant lectures, Jennifer had to witness her dad in action—flirting with female students after class and thus causing her intense embarrassment. She realized that she should have anticipated how he might behave and how it would make her feel, as her dad had never confined his flirtations to the classroom; he had a habit of making suggestive remarks to family friends, waitresses, sales clerks, and Jennifer’s girlfriends as well. “What’s up with your dad?” one friend had asked Jennifer when she was still in high school, “Why doesn’t he hit on women his own age?”

As Jennifer soon found out, her dad had indulged in behavior that went beyond flirtation and verbal harassment; in fact, it would eventually cost him his tenured position at the college. He had had a series of affairs with students beginning when Jennifer was a child. She just hadn’t found out about them until she was in college herself. Jennifer’s mother had apparently put up with her husband’s infidelity in order to keep the family together, but Jennifer felt the full measure of humiliation when her father’s improprieties became campus news. Her father’s affair with a coed was cause for his dismissal when the young woman’s parents found out about the relationship and reported him to the administration. Of course, Jennifer was devastated. She had always known her father was a flirt, but she had never presumed that he carried his flirtations any further. Publicly humiliated, Jennifer felt she could no longer tolerate going to the college where her father’s affair was known to everyone. She dropped out of school, moved away, and spent nearly a year in therapy before she finally felt ready to apply to another school and get on with her life.

Unfortunately, parents who cheat rarely consider how their children might be affected. Even high-profile parents like former President Bill Clinton, former Governor Eliot Spitzer, and former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani didn’t seem to bear in mind before they chose to be unfaithful how their children would be hurt. ..."