Can you really call that love?

Learning to turn away from an abusive relationship is not always easy. Many survivors of domestic violence have told me that one of the most difficult obstacles to leaving an abusive relationship is confusion over what constitutes abusive behavior. They say that while it should be simple to tell when you're being abused, sometimes it's not. If someone hits you, that's interpreted by most people as abusive. But what about the love between you and your partner, which you may feel is still there? The shared history, which makes it hard to imagine a future without this person? Or the promises he or she makes to change their behavior? How do you weigh such factors that seem to modify or cancel out a partner's violent episodes?

An abusive partner may promise to change or give you reasons to justify the violent or intimidating behavior, and at times those promises and reasons may seem to make sense. Which is why you may need a strong support system, including a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse, to help you draw the line between acceptable and abusive behavior-and to help you make decisions about how to live an abuse-free life.

Domestic abuse can never be part of a good relationship. When fear, intimidation, and cruelty are present in a relationship, can you really call that love?

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The key is to know when to give up...

One of the most difficult life changes one can make is to break away from a long term relationship. Even if the reasons for the break-up far outweigh those for staying together, loneliness and fear of the unknown can hold us back. Regardless of the unhappiness, incompatibility, betrayal, or even abuse that motivates one partner to contemplate leaving the other, it is still common to cling to the slimmest possibility of a happier future. For many of us on the brink of a break-up, when we look at our mate, we see not only the person we know is not right for us, but also the one we once thought was "the one." It's not easy to give up on that hopeful image, even in the most hopeless of circumstances. And even when both parties agree that dissolving the relationship is the best course to take, neither is likely to avoid the emotional pain that follows a break-up. Which is why some people put off making the decision until the situation becomes even more unbearable.

So how do we make such an important decision? Is there a general guide one can follow to make this so needed change any easier? It may sound simplistic, but one key to making a change is to finally give up on what hasn't worked in the past. When you reach the point where you can say with conviction, "It is impossible to make this relationship work, and I refuse to be unhappy any longer" you'll discover that taking decisive action becomes almost automatic. Loretta, a client of mine who had endured years of emotional abuse from her husband, got to the point where she told herself, "I've had enough unhappiness. From now on, I will own my life-I will not hand it over to anyone else!" In order for Loretta to arrive at that decision, she had to firmly declare that she was giving up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that assertion, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.

The key is to know when to give up. When we are in tune with our emotions and our intuition, making the decision to stay or to leave is not so difficult. It will be obvious when we are expending energy on a relationship that has no hope of working out, and that it is time to grow in a new direction. By turning away from a relationship that holds no promise of happiness or fulfillment, we free ourselves to consider new possibilities. And if we are open to new paths, life will always provide them.
 
- Dr. Ana Nogales

Private affairs

When a married parent secretly chooses to become sexually involved with another partner for whatever personal reason, chances are that he or she has not considered how their children will be affected. Or perhaps the parent rationalizes his or her infidelity with the commonly held belief that "children always learn to adapt" and that it is just a temporary transition "fairly common these days".

Children certainly adapt. They will do what they can to get their needs met regardless of the anger, confusion, and loss of trust most often brought on by parental infidelity. But they will also feel betrayed, because the parent will have broken a promise that is essential to every family: to be loyal and loving toward one another.

Unfortunately, without the needed guidance, children and adult children whose parents are unfaithful may adapt by acting out with self-inhibiting behavior; by expecting less from friends, lovers, and spouses; or by seeking partners with whom they can replay the infidelity drama, either as the betrayer or the betrayed, in order to resolve or make sense of it.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

What If You’re Not Feeling So Thankful?

Image by K. Todd Storch via Flickr

As we approach the beginning of a new year, a time when families are called upon to embody a Norman Rockwell sense of togetherness and gratitude, some may feel pressured to become a family they’re not. There is a kind of national obligation to appear to be a close and happy family, even if just for this one meaningful time of the year.

But what if you don't have such great relationships with your family? What if your parents are overly critical, your children are not following a path you approve of, or you are estranged from your siblings for some significant reason? What if there are unresolved issues between members of your family and you dread the Holiday celebrations because you know you’ll have to fake it, keeping your resentments and anger under wraps?

It is certainly true that enjoying close, loving ties to one’s family can engender feelings of inner peace and spiritual well-being, especially in a world that is both unpredictable and materialistic. But is there still a reason to be thankful—even if your family falls far short of the idealized Rockwellian portrait? First of all, I think it’s important to recognize the obvious: ideal families are just that – ideal, not real. In every group of relatives sitting around Holiday tables in a few weeks there will be those suffering from marital problems, overbearing or neglectful parenting, sibling clashes, even dark secrets of misconduct or abuse.

Before we can turn our attention to gratitude, it’s necessary to grieve for the family we wish we had but do not. It’s never beneficial to ignore problems and simply tell ourselves to “appreciate what you have.” Some of us must cope with more serious family issues than others, and such difficulties require more from us than those who may be blessed with a happier family life.

After acknowledging what may be missing in our family relationships, each of us can then focus on the positive. Perhaps you had a good relationship with one of your relatives in the past, and you are working things out so that things may get better in the future. Maybe there is one family member with whom you have a special connection, with whom you feel free to be yourself. Or perhaps you have created a “family” with trusted and beloved friends, a group you feel more “related to” than the family into which you were born.

However you arrive at that place of gratitude, take the time to let your feelings of gratefulness resonate. Being honestly thankful can be more challenging for some than for others. But sometimes those challenges enhance the true spirit of the Holidays.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive ...

Children who grow up in toxic environments are exposed to what is known as chronic neuronal development trauma. They become impatient, impulsive, demanding, and, in many cases, arrogant. They are often criticized for their behavior and are wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive when their actions are actually a way for them to remain alert to potential danger. Such children feel that they must be ready to defend themselves at all times. Given their threatening home environment, their response to perceived potential threats is logical.

Children who have been traumatized by family violence live in a constant state of fear, which is not always evident because they are used to hiding it. Their fear is understandable, because they sense that if they ignore potential danger they could become victims of violence. Hiding their fear is also a logical behavior, since declaring their vulnerability can be dangerous as well. This defensive, fearful way of relating to others affects a traumatized child’s decision making and learning capabilities because their minds are preoccupied with trying to protect themselves. A child from such a background may be smart, but he or she tends to have learning disabilities. Parents or teachers may classify these children as “lazy,” but they are not; rather, they are investing all their energy in defending themselves against a perceived threatening environment.
Traumatized children may appear physically different in terms of their attitude and posture. They may look tense and ready to react. They also have problems sleeping and relaxing and show little tolerance for listening to or understanding others. This profile suggests the presence of anxiety, which can easily develop into medical problems, especially with respect to the cardiovascular system.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Aggression in Children

Raul is nine years old, is in the fourth grade, is a good student, and is the nicest boy. But, Raul’s mother doesn’t know what she is going to do about his behavior at school. She says, “I can hardly believe it; at home he is a quiet child, he does his homework—although without much interest—and he plays like any normal child. But, in school, Raul doesn’t miss an opportunity to hit someone. The teacher calls me constantly and nothing I do to correct him makes any difference.” The first conclusion we can make is that Raul has some self-esteem problems that he compensates with aggressive behavior. For years, this has been the classic point of view on aggressive behavior. However, we can draw further conclusions if we learn more of Raul’s personal history. Raul is the only son of divorced parents. His mom decided to leave his dad because the dad was violent. “His philosophy was to settle everything by hitting,” she told me, “and not only did I get tired of this, neither could I tolerate Raul being a victim of his dad’s frustrations.” With this clearer view of Raul’s life, we can understand various other explanations for Raul’s relationship with other children at the school. • Raul learned to be aggressive from his father. • Raul inherited this condition from his father. • Raul identifies with his father, who has been absent for more than a year, but whom he keeps in his imagination. • Raul never learned to control his impulses. • Raul behaves well at home because he is afraid that his mom will do the same thing to him that she did to his dad. • Raul is angry with his dad because he was the victim of his aggressiveness and he displaces the anger onto his schoolmates.

Though we can conclude that a child who has been the victim of physical abuse suffers from low self esteem, low self esteem doesn’t always manifest itself in aggressive behavior. Much to the contrary, self esteem is also expressed in inhibition, timidity, difficulty in communicating, a tendency toward isolation, difficulty in asserting oneself, and inappropriate feelings of guilt. On the other hand, there are children who have high self esteem, but who are aggressive. We would think that this results from hidden personal insecurities. But, if we inquire into these cases, we will not find the characteristic inhibitions of low self esteem. To the contrary, we find that the narcissism that causes them to feel superior to others stems from being treated as special and privileged with emotional gratification in being admired by others, concluded Dr. Roy Baumeister of Case Western Reserve University. In this case, aggression takes the form of one person “putting a second person in his place” because the second person has questioned the elevated opinion the first person has of himself. Many of the previous explanations apply to Raul, except that we must understand the dynamics of his parents. His mother decided to separate, even though everyone told her she shouldn’t take him away from his father. She decided that her primary responsibility was to protect her son from aggression. But, she always wondered whether she had done the right thing, especially when she listened to the recriminations of her family. This mom developed the attitude of ‘my poor son’ and tolerated his crying and tantrums, blaming herself for them, thereby accepting Raul’s aggressive behavior. It is certain that the family and society play important roles in forming the behavior of children. Those who think that the world around them is hostile (whether this is reality or the product of television and movies), have to react by developing their power and physical strength over others. The solution to consider is to reinforce the identity of children, showing them respect so they learn respect, self control, and discipline—elements not only essential to high self esteem, but also to living with others.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Masculinity or Violence

While I was on the Radio Caracol show in Miami, I commented on the rapid and radical changes the Latina woman makes when she immigrates to the U.S., emphasizing her adaptability, her capacity for biological processing, and—thanks to social and cultural history—her ability to get along with others while taking care of her family. Very interestingly, Dr. Rolando Garcia, psychiatrist and co-host of the program answered, “I envy women—that they can do everything—and I say this with admiration. But, where does that leave us men who, before, knew we had our territory and women had theirs?”

This sympathetic note, comprehensive and yet profound, helps us realize that for many men, it is not easy redefining masculinity. On this point, we observe in some men a proliferation of domestic violence and violation and assault of women in general, associated with maintaining power, control, and domination. Of course, this does not pertain to all men, but we do observe verbal and emotional abuse by many toward their wives, in homes of various socioeconomic, cultural, and educational levels.

According to Jackson Katz, founder and director of a violence prevention program at Northeastern University in Boston, some men try to emphasize their masculine characteristics with the size and strength of their body and their ability to use violence to their benefit.
This new image is reinforced by magazines, commercials and images of super-muscular sports figures. As a consequence, many men under the influence of this ‘style’ spend long hours daily at the gym, not for reasons of health, but to become more muscular, which makes them feel more masculine.

But the problem is more serious when being masculine is associated with being violent. According to Katz, violence on the screen, as well as in real life, is perpetuated by men who are the majority of the audience at such films and sports events. But the most important point is that violence is made to appear glamorous and using weapons becomes the symbol of power and virility.

Family and Relationships

Whether you are a betrayed parent, a parent who cheated, or an adult child whose parent was unfaithful, reading this book will help you understand and courageously deal with the adverse effects of parental infidelity.

In Parents Who Cheat, Ana Nogales, Ph.D., combines her reflections from her thirtyfive years of clinical practice with her current research, which includes an unprecedented “Parents Who Cheat Survey,” to reveal the profound effects on children and adult children when one parent betrays the other.

• What are the emotional consequences for the child—young or adult—when his or her parent cheats?
• What does infidelity teach children, and is there a difference between how boys and girls process and react to the circumstances?
• How can parents undergoing an infidelity crisis help their child cope with his or her reactions?
• How might adult children deal with their own parental infidelityrelated issues?

Parents Who Cheat explains how a child’s perception of love and marriage can be forever altered, how self-esteem and trust are often severely damaged, and why adult children whose parents were unfaithful often choose unfaithful partners or become unfaithful themselves. Ana Nogales offers advice and practical solutions and points the way toward healing, forgiveness, and healthier and more trusting relationships with parents and partners.