We all long for a special connection

In talking about new serious relationships, I have mentioned how we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner and fail to see any negative attributes: we fall in love. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled in by an intense physical attraction, by the possibility to be deeply connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support.

But is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he or she verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship? For many, this question is not so easy to answer. I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are the positive traits. Maybe it is the way your partner used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way your partner treats you when he or she gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches. Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into an appetizing meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison-the abuse, the violence, and the hurt-has spoiled everything else in the pot. If you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Share your thoughts about new relationships

When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, none of us expects to be treated badly. We are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them, we often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love. But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled into a relationship by an intense physical attraction, but we also want to be intimately connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support. And don't we also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think of as our closest friend? Perhaps these are the things you wanted when you initially got together with your partner. Share your thoughts and find out more about yourself.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Private affairs

When a married parent secretly chooses to become sexually involved with another partner for whatever personal reason, chances are that he or she has not considered how their children will be affected. Or perhaps the parent rationalizes his or her infidelity with the commonly held belief that "children always learn to adapt" and that it is just a temporary transition "fairly common these days".

Children certainly adapt. They will do what they can to get their needs met regardless of the anger, confusion, and loss of trust most often brought on by parental infidelity. But they will also feel betrayed, because the parent will have broken a promise that is essential to every family: to be loyal and loving toward one another.

Unfortunately, without the needed guidance, children and adult children whose parents are unfaithful may adapt by acting out with self-inhibiting behavior; by expecting less from friends, lovers, and spouses; or by seeking partners with whom they can replay the infidelity drama, either as the betrayer or the betrayed, in order to resolve or make sense of it.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The melting pot

When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them. We often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love.

But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. We also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think of as our closest friend?

However, is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship?

Believe it or not, for many, this question is not so easy to answer.

I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are his positive traits. Maybe it is the way he used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way he treats you when he gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches.

Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into your meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison—the abuse, the violence, and the hurt—has spoiled everything else and if you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

Domestic abuse can never be part of a good relationship. When fear, intimidation, and cruelty are present in a relationship, can you really call that love?
 
- Dr. Ana Nogales

The Benefit of Loneliness

Latinos in the United States complain a lot about loneliness. For many, loneliness is very real because we live far away from our family, from our country and from our customs. But loneliness is not always negative. To begin with, we must distinguish loneliness from the fact of living alone. These are two completely different situations.

In a cultural sense, Latinos interpret living alone as loneliness because we are used to living with or near our large extended families. We're used to the presence of others and sharing our lives with others.

This is often because we don't leave home until it's time to form one of our own, even when we go to the university. And when we are alone, we feel that something's missing. On the other hand, in the U.S. it's expected that after your eighteenth birthday, you should be prepared to be self-sufficient, to continue your studies in another city or to make a living without anyone's help. Living alone is thus a lifestyle associated with autonomy and the pride of being independent.

It is becoming more and more common for young people to live alone, especially since they're tending to delay getting married. American society accepts this way of living, without pressuring its young adults to find their life partner by a certain age. It's possible that younger generations will benefit from delaying marriage in that they will be more mature when they do take a partner, and they will avoid marriage if conditions are not suitable. In turn, this could result in decreased rates of divorce and fewer children raised in single families.

Latinos are used to thinking of loneliness as bad company, or as a bad counselor. However, loneliness can also become our friend, because it can give us information to which we otherwise wouldn't have access.

- Dr. Ana Nogales