Neither the first, nor the last victim

On March 29 it was posted, on the blog survivoronamission.blogspot.com, a post about a survivor and her experience after watching "Don't call me Baby!":

Survivor's Journey in Defining Human Trafficking


"My personal ordeal beginning as a financial con, escalating to captivity, extreme physical & sexual abuse, escaping in May 2005, I knew enough about domestic abuse to recognize my experience included the 4 types: physical, sexual, emotional & financial.

Nearly five years later, attending a play by Dr. Ana Nogales "Don't Call me Baby" on human trafficking at the CASA0101 Theatre, I was stunned to learn the defining elements of human trafficking...one or more of these three elements meets the definition: Use of Force, Use of Coersion, or Fraud as a basis of re-locating for purposes of forced labor or sexual exploitation. My own ordeal launched in fraud, followed with coersion and continued with force, extracting me from my young adult daughters, our South Bay home, a job and a life that delighted me...to the gloom and doom of Washington State, one of four states that in effect still considers domestic violence "a private matter". What this means is there are no local domestic violence ordinances, no protocols for protection. My assailant/trafficker has been sentenced on the physical violence, aggrevated by coersion, yet prosecution did not address the financial fraud. I was neither the first, nor the last "victim" of my assailant, in terms of domestic violence, or in terms of human trafficking (as I now understand it)."

It is hard to see and understand when we are trapped in the middle of a terrible situation what can be done to reach out for help and to end the pain. The purpose of my new play is to bring awareness about the fact and to reach out to victims and survivors - and their families, for them to look for help and support. They all need to be able to move on and have a rewarding life. There are many resources available but more work has to be done. There are still too many victims, old and young.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

We all long for a special connection

In talking about new serious relationships, I have mentioned how we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner and fail to see any negative attributes: we fall in love. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled in by an intense physical attraction, by the possibility to be deeply connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support.

But is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he or she verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship? For many, this question is not so easy to answer. I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are the positive traits. Maybe it is the way your partner used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way your partner treats you when he or she gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches. Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into an appetizing meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison-the abuse, the violence, and the hurt-has spoiled everything else in the pot. If you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The melting pot

When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them. We often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love.

But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. We also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think of as our closest friend?

However, is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship?

Believe it or not, for many, this question is not so easy to answer.

I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are his positive traits. Maybe it is the way he used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way he treats you when he gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches.

Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into your meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison—the abuse, the violence, and the hurt—has spoiled everything else and if you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

Domestic abuse can never be part of a good relationship. When fear, intimidation, and cruelty are present in a relationship, can you really call that love?
 
- Dr. Ana Nogales

Wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive ...

Children who grow up in toxic environments are exposed to what is known as chronic neuronal development trauma. They become impatient, impulsive, demanding, and, in many cases, arrogant. They are often criticized for their behavior and are wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive when their actions are actually a way for them to remain alert to potential danger. Such children feel that they must be ready to defend themselves at all times. Given their threatening home environment, their response to perceived potential threats is logical.

Children who have been traumatized by family violence live in a constant state of fear, which is not always evident because they are used to hiding it. Their fear is understandable, because they sense that if they ignore potential danger they could become victims of violence. Hiding their fear is also a logical behavior, since declaring their vulnerability can be dangerous as well. This defensive, fearful way of relating to others affects a traumatized child’s decision making and learning capabilities because their minds are preoccupied with trying to protect themselves. A child from such a background may be smart, but he or she tends to have learning disabilities. Parents or teachers may classify these children as “lazy,” but they are not; rather, they are investing all their energy in defending themselves against a perceived threatening environment.
Traumatized children may appear physically different in terms of their attitude and posture. They may look tense and ready to react. They also have problems sleeping and relaxing and show little tolerance for listening to or understanding others. This profile suggests the presence of anxiety, which can easily develop into medical problems, especially with respect to the cardiovascular system.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

“Express your will and never compromise ...”

Aggressiveness and domestic violence are socially unacceptable, even in a home setting. Nevertheless, in some cultures, to “express your will and never compromise” is viewed as very masculine. In daily life, the aggressive person and those he strikes suffer the consequences of what we observe to be a character flaw or a lack of positive communication skills.

I talked before about the male who responds with violence in his home or under certain other circumstances in which he knows it must be tolerated, does “suffer shame” and it is this very shame that produces his anger and consequent aggressive behavior.

This is a particular type of shame caused by the man’s feeling inferior to others, and even more so in the presence of a woman. To dispel doubts and insecurities, he tries to impose a manly presence at the cost of harming even the people he loves the most. Most such men witnessed violence in the home by their own fathers, thus learning that violence is a possible way of affecting those over whom you are losing control.

The internal world of the aggressor is very confused. This is a person who finds it very difficult to be intimate with another, causing him shame, ill feeling, and frustration at not understanding the mechanisms of his difficulties.

But, when he realizes his problem—probably developed at a young age for lack of parents or the security they should have provided him—he can begin to bring his actions under control.
In this way, a person discovers that, underneath the courage and fury, there is a feeling of impotence, rejection, abandonment, and low personal self esteem that causes him to act impulsively. When he understands this dynamic, a person can allow compassion for himself without attacking or blaming anyone, simply understanding himself and learning how to communicate more efficiently.

Unfortunately, many men ignore these factors, because they have been taught to not focus on their emotional life and they only react after they have already lost their mate and family, which happens in 50% of these cases.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

What causes some men to be aggressive?

We cannot assign responsibility only to a macho society and blame it for all the nastiness. Also, there must be a reason why some men are violent and others are not.
There are certain psychopathological conditions, such as those demonstrated by the sociopath, that produce violent behavior in women as well as men, with responses that are atypical of the very separate problem of domestic violence. We are speaking here of people who respect no social standards and who respond to no type of conventional treatment; those who often end up in jail, paying for their crime.

The difference is in an emotion: shame. For example, the psychopath ‘has no shame.” He doesn’t hold himself responsible due to lack of consciousness that he has done anything wrong. This person feels no remorse for his faults.
However, the male who responds with violence in his home or under certain other circumstances in which he knows it must be tolerated, does “suffer shame” and it is this very shame that produces his anger and consequent aggressive behavior.


- Dr. Ana Nogales

Masculinity or Violence

While I was on the Radio Caracol show in Miami, I commented on the rapid and radical changes the Latina woman makes when she immigrates to the U.S., emphasizing her adaptability, her capacity for biological processing, and—thanks to social and cultural history—her ability to get along with others while taking care of her family. Very interestingly, Dr. Rolando Garcia, psychiatrist and co-host of the program answered, “I envy women—that they can do everything—and I say this with admiration. But, where does that leave us men who, before, knew we had our territory and women had theirs?”

This sympathetic note, comprehensive and yet profound, helps us realize that for many men, it is not easy redefining masculinity. On this point, we observe in some men a proliferation of domestic violence and violation and assault of women in general, associated with maintaining power, control, and domination. Of course, this does not pertain to all men, but we do observe verbal and emotional abuse by many toward their wives, in homes of various socioeconomic, cultural, and educational levels.

According to Jackson Katz, founder and director of a violence prevention program at Northeastern University in Boston, some men try to emphasize their masculine characteristics with the size and strength of their body and their ability to use violence to their benefit.
This new image is reinforced by magazines, commercials and images of super-muscular sports figures. As a consequence, many men under the influence of this ‘style’ spend long hours daily at the gym, not for reasons of health, but to become more muscular, which makes them feel more masculine.

But the problem is more serious when being masculine is associated with being violent. According to Katz, violence on the screen, as well as in real life, is perpetuated by men who are the majority of the audience at such films and sports events. But the most important point is that violence is made to appear glamorous and using weapons becomes the symbol of power and virility.

The Wisdom in Giving Up - Scene 1

When you reach the point of saying, ‘I’ve had enough—I refuse to be continually unhappy!’ you’ll discover that new doors are open to you. Maria, a patient of mine who was a victim of domestic violence, recently told me, ‘I’ve had it up to here with my misery! From now on, I will own my life—I will not hand it over to anyone else!’ In order for her to arrive at that decision, Maria had to declare that she had given up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that declaration, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Listen to Podcast Interviews to Dr. Ana Nogales

JOSE MIRANDA, FROM YO SOY LATINO.INTERVIEW TO ANA NOGALES

"... May, 23 2009 - Victims of Crime: a Chat with Ana L. Nogales, Ph.D.

Dr. Nogales is a clinical psychologist and founder of Nogales Psychological Counseling, Inc. and the Clinical Director of a nonprofit organization Casa de la Familia, which was established for victims of crime—sufferers of rape, sexual assault, child molestation and physical abuse as well as domestic violence and human trafficking.
Additionally, she is the President of ALMA, Association for Latino Mental Health Awareness in Orange County, which is dedicated to eradicating the stigma associated with mental illness.
Currently, Dr. Nogales serves on the board of the California Women's Commission on Addictions as the President and is an active board member of Las Comadres para las Americas and Women’s Transitional Living Center.
There is so much more to Dr. Nogales. In truth this is just the tip of the iceberg so listen to our show on the 23rd and find out more.

.........."