“Express your will and never compromise ...”

Aggressiveness and domestic violence are socially unacceptable, even in a home setting. Nevertheless, in some cultures, to “express your will and never compromise” is viewed as very masculine. In daily life, the aggressive person and those he strikes suffer the consequences of what we observe to be a character flaw or a lack of positive communication skills.

I talked before about the male who responds with violence in his home or under certain other circumstances in which he knows it must be tolerated, does “suffer shame” and it is this very shame that produces his anger and consequent aggressive behavior.

This is a particular type of shame caused by the man’s feeling inferior to others, and even more so in the presence of a woman. To dispel doubts and insecurities, he tries to impose a manly presence at the cost of harming even the people he loves the most. Most such men witnessed violence in the home by their own fathers, thus learning that violence is a possible way of affecting those over whom you are losing control.

The internal world of the aggressor is very confused. This is a person who finds it very difficult to be intimate with another, causing him shame, ill feeling, and frustration at not understanding the mechanisms of his difficulties.

But, when he realizes his problem—probably developed at a young age for lack of parents or the security they should have provided him—he can begin to bring his actions under control.
In this way, a person discovers that, underneath the courage and fury, there is a feeling of impotence, rejection, abandonment, and low personal self esteem that causes him to act impulsively. When he understands this dynamic, a person can allow compassion for himself without attacking or blaming anyone, simply understanding himself and learning how to communicate more efficiently.

Unfortunately, many men ignore these factors, because they have been taught to not focus on their emotional life and they only react after they have already lost their mate and family, which happens in 50% of these cases.

- Dr. Ana Nogales