What do you look for in a new relationship?

When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, none of us expects to be treated badly. We are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them, we often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love. But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled into a relationship by an intense physical attraction, but we also want to be intimately connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support. And don't we also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think of as our closest friend? Perhaps these are the things you wanted when you initially got together with your partner.


- Dr. Ana Nogales

The key is to know when to give up...

One of the most difficult life changes one can make is to break away from a long term relationship. Even if the reasons for the break-up far outweigh those for staying together, loneliness and fear of the unknown can hold us back. Regardless of the unhappiness, incompatibility, betrayal, or even abuse that motivates one partner to contemplate leaving the other, it is still common to cling to the slimmest possibility of a happier future. For many of us on the brink of a break-up, when we look at our mate, we see not only the person we know is not right for us, but also the one we once thought was "the one." It's not easy to give up on that hopeful image, even in the most hopeless of circumstances. And even when both parties agree that dissolving the relationship is the best course to take, neither is likely to avoid the emotional pain that follows a break-up. Which is why some people put off making the decision until the situation becomes even more unbearable.

So how do we make such an important decision? Is there a general guide one can follow to make this so needed change any easier? It may sound simplistic, but one key to making a change is to finally give up on what hasn't worked in the past. When you reach the point where you can say with conviction, "It is impossible to make this relationship work, and I refuse to be unhappy any longer" you'll discover that taking decisive action becomes almost automatic. Loretta, a client of mine who had endured years of emotional abuse from her husband, got to the point where she told herself, "I've had enough unhappiness. From now on, I will own my life-I will not hand it over to anyone else!" In order for Loretta to arrive at that decision, she had to firmly declare that she was giving up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that assertion, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.

The key is to know when to give up. When we are in tune with our emotions and our intuition, making the decision to stay or to leave is not so difficult. It will be obvious when we are expending energy on a relationship that has no hope of working out, and that it is time to grow in a new direction. By turning away from a relationship that holds no promise of happiness or fulfillment, we free ourselves to consider new possibilities. And if we are open to new paths, life will always provide them.
 
- Dr. Ana Nogales

Family secrets anyone?

Millions of adults share a common family secret: one parent cheated on the other. But does having a parent who cheated necessarily affect one’s own intimate relationships? It can…but it doesn’t have to.

Image by extranoise via Flickr

If children don’t get help in dealing with the confusion and shame, anger and resentment that arise from a parent’s infidelity, they very often act out their painful emotions. A young child may withdraw socially or have temper tantrums. An older child may become involved in substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, or other self-destructive behavior as a way to bury the hurt or demonstrate unacknowledged feelings about their parent’s actions.

Having a parent who cheated doesn’t inevitably result in your own problematic relationships, but when you don’t fully understand your emotional response to parental infidelity, there can be serious repercussions. For instance, if your sympathies lie with your betrayed parent, it’s possible that you may become attracted to someone who will cheat on you, as an unconscious way to work through your feelings about your parents’ relationship. Or you may choose partners with whom you can be the betrayer, and thus act out a kind of revenge against your cheating parent. If you identify with the betrayer, you may feel that cheating is okay — and that it’s just a matter of not getting caught.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

What If You’re Not Feeling So Thankful?

Image by K. Todd Storch via Flickr

As we approach the beginning of a new year, a time when families are called upon to embody a Norman Rockwell sense of togetherness and gratitude, some may feel pressured to become a family they’re not. There is a kind of national obligation to appear to be a close and happy family, even if just for this one meaningful time of the year.

But what if you don't have such great relationships with your family? What if your parents are overly critical, your children are not following a path you approve of, or you are estranged from your siblings for some significant reason? What if there are unresolved issues between members of your family and you dread the Holiday celebrations because you know you’ll have to fake it, keeping your resentments and anger under wraps?

It is certainly true that enjoying close, loving ties to one’s family can engender feelings of inner peace and spiritual well-being, especially in a world that is both unpredictable and materialistic. But is there still a reason to be thankful—even if your family falls far short of the idealized Rockwellian portrait? First of all, I think it’s important to recognize the obvious: ideal families are just that – ideal, not real. In every group of relatives sitting around Holiday tables in a few weeks there will be those suffering from marital problems, overbearing or neglectful parenting, sibling clashes, even dark secrets of misconduct or abuse.

Before we can turn our attention to gratitude, it’s necessary to grieve for the family we wish we had but do not. It’s never beneficial to ignore problems and simply tell ourselves to “appreciate what you have.” Some of us must cope with more serious family issues than others, and such difficulties require more from us than those who may be blessed with a happier family life.

After acknowledging what may be missing in our family relationships, each of us can then focus on the positive. Perhaps you had a good relationship with one of your relatives in the past, and you are working things out so that things may get better in the future. Maybe there is one family member with whom you have a special connection, with whom you feel free to be yourself. Or perhaps you have created a “family” with trusted and beloved friends, a group you feel more “related to” than the family into which you were born.

However you arrive at that place of gratitude, take the time to let your feelings of gratefulness resonate. Being honestly thankful can be more challenging for some than for others. But sometimes those challenges enhance the true spirit of the Holidays.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Does the holiday spirit vanish with childhood?

Image via Wikipedia

The holidays can usher in an emotional tug of war-between happy childhood memories and not-so-happy adult tensions. For many, the disconnect between how the holidays felt then and how they feel now can lead to cynicism and even depression. Perhaps when you were a child, your family's festive celebrations, special meals and treats, and brightly wrapped packages made you believe in the magic of the season. But now those recollections may only make the upcoming holidays seem like a fraud, as phony as leaving cookies and milk for Santa. The preparations and festivities continue, but the feeling is gone.

When we compare our childlike excitement to our current end-of-the-year stress, it's no wonder we often wind up with the blues. Even if we'd like to recapture the December thrill we once felt, how is that possible with so many pressures? This year in particular, many have lost their jobs or their homes, struggle to pay bills, or wonder how they'll afford to buy holiday gifts. Some families are anxious about loved ones who are putting their lives on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan. And all of us have personal concerns that can interfere with our enjoyment of the holidays.

Experiencing the delight we once felt as children doesn't come as easily when we're worried about relatives in the military, financial woes, or a troubled relationship. But that doesn't mean we have to consign ourselves to a go-through-the-motions holiday season. The holidays are whatever we choose to make them. We can be miserable, or we can consciously create a new type of celebration. We may not feel like we once did upon discovering our first gift-filled stocking, but we can still strive to feel the love that this season celebrates.

I believe that it is in our power to feel connected to the season in a meaningful way-if we allow ourselves to approach the holidays a little differently. You might reach out to someone you find interesting and make time to get together; take a walk at night with a child who will thrill to the Christmas lights; or get up the nerve to join a sing-a-long in your community. You could also spend some quality time alone doing something that brings you joy-painting, baking, dancing, or watching your all time favorite movie. Or how about sharing your time with those who are in a hospital or a homeless shelter?

A few years ago I had the best Christmas I'd ever had when I went to visit a fourteen-year-old cancer patient at the Children's Hospital. I thought it would be depressing, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. Not only was I received with gratitude and a radiant smile, I also got the chance to appreciate how important it is to share our love while we still can.

While we may not feel the same joyful anticipation of a six-year-old waiting for Santa, we can make the conscious choice to feel the love within us-somehow, some way.

Aggression in Children

Raul is nine years old, is in the fourth grade, is a good student, and is the nicest boy. But, Raul’s mother doesn’t know what she is going to do about his behavior at school. She says, “I can hardly believe it; at home he is a quiet child, he does his homework—although without much interest—and he plays like any normal child. But, in school, Raul doesn’t miss an opportunity to hit someone. The teacher calls me constantly and nothing I do to correct him makes any difference.” The first conclusion we can make is that Raul has some self-esteem problems that he compensates with aggressive behavior. For years, this has been the classic point of view on aggressive behavior. However, we can draw further conclusions if we learn more of Raul’s personal history. Raul is the only son of divorced parents. His mom decided to leave his dad because the dad was violent. “His philosophy was to settle everything by hitting,” she told me, “and not only did I get tired of this, neither could I tolerate Raul being a victim of his dad’s frustrations.” With this clearer view of Raul’s life, we can understand various other explanations for Raul’s relationship with other children at the school. • Raul learned to be aggressive from his father. • Raul inherited this condition from his father. • Raul identifies with his father, who has been absent for more than a year, but whom he keeps in his imagination. • Raul never learned to control his impulses. • Raul behaves well at home because he is afraid that his mom will do the same thing to him that she did to his dad. • Raul is angry with his dad because he was the victim of his aggressiveness and he displaces the anger onto his schoolmates.

Though we can conclude that a child who has been the victim of physical abuse suffers from low self esteem, low self esteem doesn’t always manifest itself in aggressive behavior. Much to the contrary, self esteem is also expressed in inhibition, timidity, difficulty in communicating, a tendency toward isolation, difficulty in asserting oneself, and inappropriate feelings of guilt. On the other hand, there are children who have high self esteem, but who are aggressive. We would think that this results from hidden personal insecurities. But, if we inquire into these cases, we will not find the characteristic inhibitions of low self esteem. To the contrary, we find that the narcissism that causes them to feel superior to others stems from being treated as special and privileged with emotional gratification in being admired by others, concluded Dr. Roy Baumeister of Case Western Reserve University. In this case, aggression takes the form of one person “putting a second person in his place” because the second person has questioned the elevated opinion the first person has of himself. Many of the previous explanations apply to Raul, except that we must understand the dynamics of his parents. His mother decided to separate, even though everyone told her she shouldn’t take him away from his father. She decided that her primary responsibility was to protect her son from aggression. But, she always wondered whether she had done the right thing, especially when she listened to the recriminations of her family. This mom developed the attitude of ‘my poor son’ and tolerated his crying and tantrums, blaming herself for them, thereby accepting Raul’s aggressive behavior. It is certain that the family and society play important roles in forming the behavior of children. Those who think that the world around them is hostile (whether this is reality or the product of television and movies), have to react by developing their power and physical strength over others. The solution to consider is to reinforce the identity of children, showing them respect so they learn respect, self control, and discipline—elements not only essential to high self esteem, but also to living with others.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

“Express your will and never compromise ...”

Aggressiveness and domestic violence are socially unacceptable, even in a home setting. Nevertheless, in some cultures, to “express your will and never compromise” is viewed as very masculine. In daily life, the aggressive person and those he strikes suffer the consequences of what we observe to be a character flaw or a lack of positive communication skills.

I talked before about the male who responds with violence in his home or under certain other circumstances in which he knows it must be tolerated, does “suffer shame” and it is this very shame that produces his anger and consequent aggressive behavior.

This is a particular type of shame caused by the man’s feeling inferior to others, and even more so in the presence of a woman. To dispel doubts and insecurities, he tries to impose a manly presence at the cost of harming even the people he loves the most. Most such men witnessed violence in the home by their own fathers, thus learning that violence is a possible way of affecting those over whom you are losing control.

The internal world of the aggressor is very confused. This is a person who finds it very difficult to be intimate with another, causing him shame, ill feeling, and frustration at not understanding the mechanisms of his difficulties.

But, when he realizes his problem—probably developed at a young age for lack of parents or the security they should have provided him—he can begin to bring his actions under control.
In this way, a person discovers that, underneath the courage and fury, there is a feeling of impotence, rejection, abandonment, and low personal self esteem that causes him to act impulsively. When he understands this dynamic, a person can allow compassion for himself without attacking or blaming anyone, simply understanding himself and learning how to communicate more efficiently.

Unfortunately, many men ignore these factors, because they have been taught to not focus on their emotional life and they only react after they have already lost their mate and family, which happens in 50% of these cases.

- Dr. Ana Nogales