Share your thoughts about new relationships

When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, none of us expects to be treated badly. We are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them, we often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love. But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. Each of us longs for a special closeness to one other person. We may be pulled into a relationship by an intense physical attraction, but we also want to be intimately connected to someone who shares our values, who understands us, who treats us with kindness, and who will offer compassion and emotional support. And don't we also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think of as our closest friend? Perhaps these are the things you wanted when you initially got together with your partner. Share your thoughts and find out more about yourself.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The key is to know when to give up...

One of the most difficult life changes one can make is to break away from a long term relationship. Even if the reasons for the break-up far outweigh those for staying together, loneliness and fear of the unknown can hold us back. Regardless of the unhappiness, incompatibility, betrayal, or even abuse that motivates one partner to contemplate leaving the other, it is still common to cling to the slimmest possibility of a happier future. For many of us on the brink of a break-up, when we look at our mate, we see not only the person we know is not right for us, but also the one we once thought was "the one." It's not easy to give up on that hopeful image, even in the most hopeless of circumstances. And even when both parties agree that dissolving the relationship is the best course to take, neither is likely to avoid the emotional pain that follows a break-up. Which is why some people put off making the decision until the situation becomes even more unbearable.

So how do we make such an important decision? Is there a general guide one can follow to make this so needed change any easier? It may sound simplistic, but one key to making a change is to finally give up on what hasn't worked in the past. When you reach the point where you can say with conviction, "It is impossible to make this relationship work, and I refuse to be unhappy any longer" you'll discover that taking decisive action becomes almost automatic. Loretta, a client of mine who had endured years of emotional abuse from her husband, got to the point where she told herself, "I've had enough unhappiness. From now on, I will own my life-I will not hand it over to anyone else!" In order for Loretta to arrive at that decision, she had to firmly declare that she was giving up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that assertion, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.

The key is to know when to give up. When we are in tune with our emotions and our intuition, making the decision to stay or to leave is not so difficult. It will be obvious when we are expending energy on a relationship that has no hope of working out, and that it is time to grow in a new direction. By turning away from a relationship that holds no promise of happiness or fulfillment, we free ourselves to consider new possibilities. And if we are open to new paths, life will always provide them.
 
- Dr. Ana Nogales

What If You’re Not Feeling So Thankful?

Image by K. Todd Storch via Flickr

As we approach the beginning of a new year, a time when families are called upon to embody a Norman Rockwell sense of togetherness and gratitude, some may feel pressured to become a family they’re not. There is a kind of national obligation to appear to be a close and happy family, even if just for this one meaningful time of the year.

But what if you don't have such great relationships with your family? What if your parents are overly critical, your children are not following a path you approve of, or you are estranged from your siblings for some significant reason? What if there are unresolved issues between members of your family and you dread the Holiday celebrations because you know you’ll have to fake it, keeping your resentments and anger under wraps?

It is certainly true that enjoying close, loving ties to one’s family can engender feelings of inner peace and spiritual well-being, especially in a world that is both unpredictable and materialistic. But is there still a reason to be thankful—even if your family falls far short of the idealized Rockwellian portrait? First of all, I think it’s important to recognize the obvious: ideal families are just that – ideal, not real. In every group of relatives sitting around Holiday tables in a few weeks there will be those suffering from marital problems, overbearing or neglectful parenting, sibling clashes, even dark secrets of misconduct or abuse.

Before we can turn our attention to gratitude, it’s necessary to grieve for the family we wish we had but do not. It’s never beneficial to ignore problems and simply tell ourselves to “appreciate what you have.” Some of us must cope with more serious family issues than others, and such difficulties require more from us than those who may be blessed with a happier family life.

After acknowledging what may be missing in our family relationships, each of us can then focus on the positive. Perhaps you had a good relationship with one of your relatives in the past, and you are working things out so that things may get better in the future. Maybe there is one family member with whom you have a special connection, with whom you feel free to be yourself. Or perhaps you have created a “family” with trusted and beloved friends, a group you feel more “related to” than the family into which you were born.

However you arrive at that place of gratitude, take the time to let your feelings of gratefulness resonate. Being honestly thankful can be more challenging for some than for others. But sometimes those challenges enhance the true spirit of the Holidays.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive ...

Children who grow up in toxic environments are exposed to what is known as chronic neuronal development trauma. They become impatient, impulsive, demanding, and, in many cases, arrogant. They are often criticized for their behavior and are wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive when their actions are actually a way for them to remain alert to potential danger. Such children feel that they must be ready to defend themselves at all times. Given their threatening home environment, their response to perceived potential threats is logical.

Children who have been traumatized by family violence live in a constant state of fear, which is not always evident because they are used to hiding it. Their fear is understandable, because they sense that if they ignore potential danger they could become victims of violence. Hiding their fear is also a logical behavior, since declaring their vulnerability can be dangerous as well. This defensive, fearful way of relating to others affects a traumatized child’s decision making and learning capabilities because their minds are preoccupied with trying to protect themselves. A child from such a background may be smart, but he or she tends to have learning disabilities. Parents or teachers may classify these children as “lazy,” but they are not; rather, they are investing all their energy in defending themselves against a perceived threatening environment.
Traumatized children may appear physically different in terms of their attitude and posture. They may look tense and ready to react. They also have problems sleeping and relaxing and show little tolerance for listening to or understanding others. This profile suggests the presence of anxiety, which can easily develop into medical problems, especially with respect to the cardiovascular system.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Aggression in Children

Raul is nine years old, is in the fourth grade, is a good student, and is the nicest boy. But, Raul’s mother doesn’t know what she is going to do about his behavior at school. She says, “I can hardly believe it; at home he is a quiet child, he does his homework—although without much interest—and he plays like any normal child. But, in school, Raul doesn’t miss an opportunity to hit someone. The teacher calls me constantly and nothing I do to correct him makes any difference.” The first conclusion we can make is that Raul has some self-esteem problems that he compensates with aggressive behavior. For years, this has been the classic point of view on aggressive behavior. However, we can draw further conclusions if we learn more of Raul’s personal history. Raul is the only son of divorced parents. His mom decided to leave his dad because the dad was violent. “His philosophy was to settle everything by hitting,” she told me, “and not only did I get tired of this, neither could I tolerate Raul being a victim of his dad’s frustrations.” With this clearer view of Raul’s life, we can understand various other explanations for Raul’s relationship with other children at the school. • Raul learned to be aggressive from his father. • Raul inherited this condition from his father. • Raul identifies with his father, who has been absent for more than a year, but whom he keeps in his imagination. • Raul never learned to control his impulses. • Raul behaves well at home because he is afraid that his mom will do the same thing to him that she did to his dad. • Raul is angry with his dad because he was the victim of his aggressiveness and he displaces the anger onto his schoolmates.

Though we can conclude that a child who has been the victim of physical abuse suffers from low self esteem, low self esteem doesn’t always manifest itself in aggressive behavior. Much to the contrary, self esteem is also expressed in inhibition, timidity, difficulty in communicating, a tendency toward isolation, difficulty in asserting oneself, and inappropriate feelings of guilt. On the other hand, there are children who have high self esteem, but who are aggressive. We would think that this results from hidden personal insecurities. But, if we inquire into these cases, we will not find the characteristic inhibitions of low self esteem. To the contrary, we find that the narcissism that causes them to feel superior to others stems from being treated as special and privileged with emotional gratification in being admired by others, concluded Dr. Roy Baumeister of Case Western Reserve University. In this case, aggression takes the form of one person “putting a second person in his place” because the second person has questioned the elevated opinion the first person has of himself. Many of the previous explanations apply to Raul, except that we must understand the dynamics of his parents. His mother decided to separate, even though everyone told her she shouldn’t take him away from his father. She decided that her primary responsibility was to protect her son from aggression. But, she always wondered whether she had done the right thing, especially when she listened to the recriminations of her family. This mom developed the attitude of ‘my poor son’ and tolerated his crying and tantrums, blaming herself for them, thereby accepting Raul’s aggressive behavior. It is certain that the family and society play important roles in forming the behavior of children. Those who think that the world around them is hostile (whether this is reality or the product of television and movies), have to react by developing their power and physical strength over others. The solution to consider is to reinforce the identity of children, showing them respect so they learn respect, self control, and discipline—elements not only essential to high self esteem, but also to living with others.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The Wisdom in Giving Up - Scene 3

Jenny’s story is another example of someone who gave up in order to embark on a more positive path. For a long time, she had relentlessly pursued an unrequited love. Her pursuit was fruitless in that the more she insisted upon the relationship, the more she drove away her would-be partner. Despite her heartache and suffering, Jenny finally decided to give up her pursuit. She realized that one cannot beg to be loved. She could, however, continue to be a loving person. When she gave herself permission to be loving in general, she expanded her emotional life. Even without a partner, her loving attitude made her happier. And with her open outlook, a new partner appeared—someone who could love her back. By giving up her attempt to make someone love her who was not interested in a relationship, Jenny eventually learned that her capacity to love went far beyond her previous obsession.

“It can’t happen here!!”

Infidelity may be the stuff of numerous movies and TV dramas, but most kids want to believe that “it can’t happen here.” Unfortunately, it does.

Young children may be unable to articulate their anger, anxiety, and confusion. They might act out, regress, or withdraw. And when an adult child’s family baggage includes lies, cheating, and the breaking of promises, they may have a particularly hard time navigating the rough waters of dating and marriage. The bottom line is that when parents are role models of infidelity, their children can’t help but react.

-Dr. Ana Nogales

The Complexity of Trauma ...

Modern studies of magnetic resonance and neuro-images have found that there are three areas of the brain which are affected when a person lives through a prolonged trauma: the hypothalamus, the amygdala, and the frontal lobe. These areas of the brain cause people to continue experiencing and responding with stress to a trauma even when it no longer exists. Since the trauma-related brain changes are ongoing, a hormonal imbalance is created as well.

Such studies are of particular importance to women, since women experience emotional changes during their monthly cycle, pregnancy, post-childbirth, and menopause – all of which are caused by hormonal shifts. Such hormonal changes can cause imbalances that can then lead to depression.
Some women find temporary relief from premenstrual depression by satisfying their craving for chocolate or other candies. There is a biological explanation for such cravings, since the glucose may help to restore the hormonal imbalance that produces depression and its consequential behaviors, including concentration problems, memory blackouts, lack or excess of appetite, impulsiveness, and aggression.

Children can also be similarly affected by anxiety-induced hormonal changes. Those who have lived through physical, sexual or emotional abuse, who have witnessed episodes of domestic violence or other extreme conditions, may also react biologically. A study by Victor Carrion, M.D. of Stanford University found that a child’s anxiety that is the result of traumatic experiences is correlated with higher levels of cortisone, just as occurs in adults.

All of this indicates that recovery from a trauma is complex and takes time.

Sometimes we want to feel well and are unable to do so. This is because healing the soul depends not only on our emotional strength but on the body as well.

A body that has been punished by the pain of traumatic life events needs time to heal. This is why, in addition to medical and psychological treatment, patience is an important component of the healing process.

-Dr. Ana Nogales