Some of it was minor cheating ...

Consider the following:

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Lynn felt more sympathetic toward her “life-of-the-party” father, and her story is an example of how a parent’s infidelity can negatively influence a child’s adult relationships. When I asked her how her father’s affairs and her mother’s angry accusations affected her own romantic involvements, Lynn told me that she had spent her twenties, thirties, and early forties involved with a series of men, and that she had been unfaithful to all of them.

I either dated people who were like my father — handsome, life-of-the-party, screw everybody he wanted to — or I dated men who were completely emotionally unavailable — again, like my father. And throughout every relationship that I had, all the way up to the last one before I got married [for the first time at age 45], I cheated on them. Every one of them. Some of it was minor cheating, if there is such a thing, and some of it was major.

In each of her serious relationships, Lynn took every opportunity to have secret sexual encounters with someone else. In one instance, when a live-in boyfriend was out of town, she flew off to be with a man she had recently met on a business trip. During another relationship that lasted five years, she would go out with other guys whenever her boyfriend was away. When asked why she had always cheated on her boyfriends, Lynn said that she wasn’t seeking fun or excitement as much as she felt she was “entitled to it” — much as her father had felt he was entitled to cheat on her mother. “I felt I was entitled to do what I wanted since I was holding my own, paying my rent, paying my own bills.”

In Lynn’s mind, since her father paid all the bills, he was entitled to do as he pleased; unlike her mother, who was dependent on her father for support and therefore couldn’t leave him even though he was unfaithful. While Lynn was unaware of it until we spoke, her own behavior reflected not only that she felt “entitled” to be a cheater like her dad, but that she feared becoming a victim of infidelity, like her mother.

Although Lynn has not been sexually unfaithful to her husband, she has engaged in secret lunch dates with an ex-boyfriend. She justifies her “lunch-only” affair because it is not sexual, but she admits that she has an emotional connection to her ex. By continuing this clandestine relationship, Lynn is demonstrating that she still needs to be unfaithful in order to avoid becoming a victim of infidelity. Sadly, she is still acting out her response to her family’s infidelity drama.

If your parent was unfaithful, how can you avoid the type of acting out that Lynn has been stuck with for so long? The key is to take an honest look at your present behavior and think about how it might be connected to what happened between your parents. Confront your own feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, or confusion—so that they won’t spill over into your relationships without your being aware of it. By doing so, you can assure your own chances of happily ever after.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive ...

Children who grow up in toxic environments are exposed to what is known as chronic neuronal development trauma. They become impatient, impulsive, demanding, and, in many cases, arrogant. They are often criticized for their behavior and are wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive when their actions are actually a way for them to remain alert to potential danger. Such children feel that they must be ready to defend themselves at all times. Given their threatening home environment, their response to perceived potential threats is logical.

Children who have been traumatized by family violence live in a constant state of fear, which is not always evident because they are used to hiding it. Their fear is understandable, because they sense that if they ignore potential danger they could become victims of violence. Hiding their fear is also a logical behavior, since declaring their vulnerability can be dangerous as well. This defensive, fearful way of relating to others affects a traumatized child’s decision making and learning capabilities because their minds are preoccupied with trying to protect themselves. A child from such a background may be smart, but he or she tends to have learning disabilities. Parents or teachers may classify these children as “lazy,” but they are not; rather, they are investing all their energy in defending themselves against a perceived threatening environment.
Traumatized children may appear physically different in terms of their attitude and posture. They may look tense and ready to react. They also have problems sleeping and relaxing and show little tolerance for listening to or understanding others. This profile suggests the presence of anxiety, which can easily develop into medical problems, especially with respect to the cardiovascular system.

- Dr. Ana Nogales