Re-learning how to trust ...

Re-learning how to trust as a child of infidelity involves understanding why your parent was unfaithful. This is a very difficult step for adolescents, who lack the life experience to put their parent’s behavior in perspective, and it is almost impossible for young children, who expect their parents to be perfect. But a mature adolescent or an adult child of infidelity can consider their parent’s behavior and determine the valid reasons for why it may have happened. This doesn’t mean justifying parental infidelity; it means looking at the behavior in a more objective light. Perhaps your parents had serious marital conflicts, which led one spouse to seek validation or comfort in another partner; maybe the cheating parent was himself a child of infidelity and unconsciously modeled his behavior after his unfaithful mother or father; or perhaps your parent used affairs to prop up a sagging ego.

In putting forth the effort to try to understand your parents, and recognizing that they have their own frailties and emotional injuries, you may come to realize that each of us is on a life path in search of what we need to feel whole, and that we often create crises with the person who is closest to us in order to resolve past issues. Understanding what happened between your parents is crucial in preventing you from “acting out” your loss of trust within your own relationships. Instead of sabotaging your own happiness by engaging in self-defeating behavior, you can learn to be more open and more trusting with appropriate individuals by acknowledging the need to trust, giving yourself time to assess the trustworthiness of a particular friend or partner, and developing an understanding of why your parent was unfaithful in the first place.

--- You can find more in my book "Parents who cheat".

When a parent is caught in a lie....

Unfortunately, children of public figures whose parents are caught having affairs cannot be shielded from the public humiliation that follows. And when a parent is held in high esteem by the public and then falls from grace, the child’s image of his parent is shattered as well. But even children whose parents are not in the public eye face that shattered parental image, as well as the embarrassing questions and off-color comments among their friends and family. Sadly, they feel ashamed for something they had absolutely no part in. Also, when a parent is caught in a lie, a child can't help but suffer a loss of trust, because if they can't trust their parent, who can they trust?

“Why Do I Feel So Ashamed?”

"... Jennifer’s father is a college professor. During her sophomore year, she decided to take a class he was teaching since it was a required course and he had the reputation for being one of the best professors in the department. Unfortunately, along with listening to his brilliant lectures, Jennifer had to witness her dad in action—flirting with female students after class and thus causing her intense embarrassment. She realized that she should have anticipated how he might behave and how it would make her feel, as her dad had never confined his flirtations to the classroom; he had a habit of making suggestive remarks to family friends, waitresses, sales clerks, and Jennifer’s girlfriends as well. “What’s up with your dad?” one friend had asked Jennifer when she was still in high school, “Why doesn’t he hit on women his own age?”

As Jennifer soon found out, her dad had indulged in behavior that went beyond flirtation and verbal harassment; in fact, it would eventually cost him his tenured position at the college. He had had a series of affairs with students beginning when Jennifer was a child. She just hadn’t found out about them until she was in college herself. Jennifer’s mother had apparently put up with her husband’s infidelity in order to keep the family together, but Jennifer felt the full measure of humiliation when her father’s improprieties became campus news. Her father’s affair with a coed was cause for his dismissal when the young woman’s parents found out about the relationship and reported him to the administration. Of course, Jennifer was devastated. She had always known her father was a flirt, but she had never presumed that he carried his flirtations any further. Publicly humiliated, Jennifer felt she could no longer tolerate going to the college where her father’s affair was known to everyone. She dropped out of school, moved away, and spent nearly a year in therapy before she finally felt ready to apply to another school and get on with her life.

Unfortunately, parents who cheat rarely consider how their children might be affected. Even high-profile parents like former President Bill Clinton, former Governor Eliot Spitzer, and former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani didn’t seem to bear in mind before they chose to be unfaithful how their children would be hurt. ..."

“I Have a Love-Hate Relationship with My Cheating Parent!”

The Parents who cheat book is just fabulous and I wanted to share with you a sampling. I will post more like this soon.

I do not like what he did, but I still love him. It is not in his best interest for me to talk about it, and I do not want to lose my father, as bad as he is.
- Andrea, early 20s

My mom told me she didn’t realize that her affair was the basis of my anger towards her. I told her, ‘I didn’t know either, but now that it’s all coming out, I realize it is.’
- Julie, 37 (recalling an affair her mother had when Julie was 15)

My dad told me [his sleeping with another woman] was none of my business; but the way I saw it, it was my business. I heard them having sex, and even at that age I thought, ‘What an ass!’
- Todd, 33 (reflecting on how he felt as a 12-year-old)

I can't imagine my father walking me down the aisle one day to a man who is supposed to love me forever when he did not do that for my mother or my family. I love him and am angry at him at the same time.
- female survey respondent, 24

" ... Most children of infidelity can’t help but feel anger, sometimes even hatred, toward their unfaithful parent. They wonder how they can still respect or love someone who has not only broken the rules of marriage and lied about it but hurt the other parent and caused the whole family to suffer. A child of any age may believe it’s impossible to feel the way they used to feel about their unfaithful father or mother. Although children are often told that their parents’ marital problems are not their concern, and that nothing has changed between them and their cheating parent, children know better. Their feelings have changed, and very often those feelings are mixed—pulling the child in opposite directions. "

Why 'Parents Who Cheat'?

Over the thirty-three years of my clinical practice, I have heard from hundreds of clients about the painful repercussions in a child’s life when one parent betrays the other.


I felt compelled to write this book because I believe the effects of parental infidelity on children
of all ages is a profoundly important issue that has been largely ignored. While much has been written about the impact of divorce on children, and although there are numerous books on how couples can cope with the fallout of marital infidelity, little attention has been paid to how children are affected by a parent’s unfaithfulness. What are the emotional consequences for the child—young or adult— when his or her parent cheats? How can parents undergoing an infidelity
crisis help their child cope with his or her reactions? And how might adult children deal with their own parental infidelity-related issues? My objective was to write a comprehensive book for mainstream readers that would address these overarching questions.


Young children, as well as teens and young adults, may respond to their parent’s infidelity with shock, confusion, rage, cynicism, sadness, shame, or a combination of these reactions. While they have nothing to do with one parent’s decision to cheat on the other, children are often left feeling guilty, hopeless, tainted, or damaged— words they often use. As adults, children whose parents cheated are frequently unable to enjoy a healthy relationship because they are plagued by a profound lack of trust, an attraction to partners who cheat, or a proclivity toward infidelity themselves.

Family and Relationships

Whether you are a betrayed parent, a parent who cheated, or an adult child whose parent was unfaithful, reading this book will help you understand and courageously deal with the adverse effects of parental infidelity.

In Parents Who Cheat, Ana Nogales, Ph.D., combines her reflections from her thirtyfive years of clinical practice with her current research, which includes an unprecedented “Parents Who Cheat Survey,” to reveal the profound effects on children and adult children when one parent betrays the other.

• What are the emotional consequences for the child—young or adult—when his or her parent cheats?
• What does infidelity teach children, and is there a difference between how boys and girls process and react to the circumstances?
• How can parents undergoing an infidelity crisis help their child cope with his or her reactions?
• How might adult children deal with their own parental infidelityrelated issues?

Parents Who Cheat explains how a child’s perception of love and marriage can be forever altered, how self-esteem and trust are often severely damaged, and why adult children whose parents were unfaithful often choose unfaithful partners or become unfaithful themselves. Ana Nogales offers advice and practical solutions and points the way toward healing, forgiveness, and healthier and more trusting relationships with parents and partners.

What are the emotional consequences for the child – young or old – when a parent cheats?

Parents Who Cheat
How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents are Unfaithful
By Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
With Laura Golden Bellotti

Health Communications, Inc., July 2009
ISBN-13: 978-0757306525


Many books explore the affects of marital infidelity on a marriage, but Parents Who Cheat is the first book to examine how parental infidelity directly affects the children.


With compassion and piercing insight, Dr. Ana Nogales explains how a parent’s adultery can damage a child's perception of love and marriage and his ability to trust. She reveals why a child may feel ashamed or guilty about his parent’s sexual betrayal, how he may inadvertently become the emotional caretaker of his betrayed parent, and why adult children often choose unfaithful partners or become unfaithful themselves. Through stories of children struggling to understand their parents' adultery, as well as case histories of adult children coping with unresolved issues related to a parent’s unfaithfulness, Dr. Nogales clarifies the effects of parental infidelity and points the way toward healing, forgiveness, and more trusting relationships with parents and partners.


Whether you are a betrayed parent, a parent who cheated, or an adult child whose parent was unfaithful, Parents Who Cheat will help you understand and courageously deal with the adverse effects of parental infidelity.

CLICK HERE TO BUY THE BOOK NOW! >>