I wanted to follow her steps...

Before commenting on this topic I want to share with you a real story from one of my patients. I believe it can give you a better understanding of what I will be talking about in my next posts.

Susy Keely/Older_Sister

“I missed my sister. She came to the US with the intention of getting a job and help our family. I always admired her for the decision and I wanted to follow her steps. When I ran into the man that offered her a job in America, I asked him to do the same for me. I was 13 years old and I was very scared to leave home. I didn’t want to leave my mom, but I had made the decision. They facilitated everything to me and I felt secure and protected. By the time I made it to the border, that man raped me and kept telling me that this was going to be my new life. I worked as a masseur in a specialty shop with many other girls like me. But at the back office there were private rooms for the ‘premier’ service, where we had to fulfill the client’s wishes. Other girls, the pretty ones, were able to choose their clients; the less fortunate, like me, we had to take and serve whoever came into the shop. I had to stay at that place and work to pay for the many expenses of my travel from Mexico, plus all my current expenses for food and shelter. My bill kept growing every day.”

This is not a movie, is a real life story! If you think that slavery was abolished by the end of the XIX century, think again. Today, in 2010, there are more than 27 million people that live, in one way or another, in slavery.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Alcohol And Rape On Campus

A female patient of mine who was a university student told me about a terrible ordeal she had recently gone through. Wanting to relax after a tense week of studying for exams, she accepted an invitation to go out for a drink with one of her male classmates. Social drinking is accepted in our culture—especially on college campuses—and this young woman felt that there was nothing unusual about meeting a friend for a drink. Things, however, did not go as she planned. After a few drinks, she and her friend, whom she thought of “as a brother,” went back to her apartment. He followed her into her bedroom and raped her.

Unfortunately, my patient’s story is not unique. On college campuses, 70% of rape cases occur due to the effects of alcohol—in spite of all the information, prevention guidelines, and advice provided by parents and campus officials, and 80% of rapes are committed by someone who is well-known to the victim. Alcohol slows down reflexes, eliminates inhibitions, and makes people act in a manner that is completely different from when they are sober. Although my patient’s classmate called her the following day apologizing and stating that he was ashamed of his behavior, the damage had already been done. The effects of her trauma (and his remorse) will last forever. The young man in this case was somewhat unusual in that he felt guilty after the fact. Other students in his circumstance often tell themselves that they are not responsible because the woman was drunk and seemed to go along with it, or that the she should have said “no” more emphatically.

The consequences of irresponsible drinking can last a lifetime.There is no doubt that alcohol is responsible for many crimes and is also associated with poor decisions and serious accidents involving young people. The dangers of drinking among young people can affect men as well as women. A man may be sent to jail, be responsible for conceiving a child with a woman he hardly knows, or contract a sexually transmitted disease. Although social drinking may be a fashionable option, it is not always a wise one.

When young people make the decision to drink, moderation is the best rule—as is associating with trustworthy friends who will never pressure you into dangerous intimacy. For young women, additional protection methods are advisable. Self-defense courses that teach women to defend themselves against potential assault may be the most practical classes they ever take.

Re-learning how to trust ...

Re-learning how to trust as a child of infidelity involves understanding why your parent was unfaithful. This is a very difficult step for adolescents, who lack the life experience to put their parent’s behavior in perspective, and it is almost impossible for young children, who expect their parents to be perfect. But a mature adolescent or an adult child of infidelity can consider their parent’s behavior and determine the valid reasons for why it may have happened. This doesn’t mean justifying parental infidelity; it means looking at the behavior in a more objective light. Perhaps your parents had serious marital conflicts, which led one spouse to seek validation or comfort in another partner; maybe the cheating parent was himself a child of infidelity and unconsciously modeled his behavior after his unfaithful mother or father; or perhaps your parent used affairs to prop up a sagging ego.

In putting forth the effort to try to understand your parents, and recognizing that they have their own frailties and emotional injuries, you may come to realize that each of us is on a life path in search of what we need to feel whole, and that we often create crises with the person who is closest to us in order to resolve past issues. Understanding what happened between your parents is crucial in preventing you from “acting out” your loss of trust within your own relationships. Instead of sabotaging your own happiness by engaging in self-defeating behavior, you can learn to be more open and more trusting with appropriate individuals by acknowledging the need to trust, giving yourself time to assess the trustworthiness of a particular friend or partner, and developing an understanding of why your parent was unfaithful in the first place.

--- You can find more in my book "Parents who cheat".