A final note about "The Legacy of Childhood Trauma"

Not all young people who grow up in violent or highly conflicted households exhibit these behaviors. By changing home environments, most of them are able to adapt themselves to a healthier way of relating to others and to reasonably fulfilling their expectations. Those who receive appropriate guidance can develop a healthier outlook on life. Unhealthy lessons learned in childhood can be replaced by healthier ways of solving conflicts—and, in turn, these new behavioral tools can prevent the recurrence of old traumas.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Aggression in Children

Raul is nine years old, is in the fourth grade, is a good student, and is the nicest boy. But, Raul’s mother doesn’t know what she is going to do about his behavior at school. She says, “I can hardly believe it; at home he is a quiet child, he does his homework—although without much interest—and he plays like any normal child. But, in school, Raul doesn’t miss an opportunity to hit someone. The teacher calls me constantly and nothing I do to correct him makes any difference.” The first conclusion we can make is that Raul has some self-esteem problems that he compensates with aggressive behavior. For years, this has been the classic point of view on aggressive behavior. However, we can draw further conclusions if we learn more of Raul’s personal history. Raul is the only son of divorced parents. His mom decided to leave his dad because the dad was violent. “His philosophy was to settle everything by hitting,” she told me, “and not only did I get tired of this, neither could I tolerate Raul being a victim of his dad’s frustrations.” With this clearer view of Raul’s life, we can understand various other explanations for Raul’s relationship with other children at the school. • Raul learned to be aggressive from his father. • Raul inherited this condition from his father. • Raul identifies with his father, who has been absent for more than a year, but whom he keeps in his imagination. • Raul never learned to control his impulses. • Raul behaves well at home because he is afraid that his mom will do the same thing to him that she did to his dad. • Raul is angry with his dad because he was the victim of his aggressiveness and he displaces the anger onto his schoolmates.

Though we can conclude that a child who has been the victim of physical abuse suffers from low self esteem, low self esteem doesn’t always manifest itself in aggressive behavior. Much to the contrary, self esteem is also expressed in inhibition, timidity, difficulty in communicating, a tendency toward isolation, difficulty in asserting oneself, and inappropriate feelings of guilt. On the other hand, there are children who have high self esteem, but who are aggressive. We would think that this results from hidden personal insecurities. But, if we inquire into these cases, we will not find the characteristic inhibitions of low self esteem. To the contrary, we find that the narcissism that causes them to feel superior to others stems from being treated as special and privileged with emotional gratification in being admired by others, concluded Dr. Roy Baumeister of Case Western Reserve University. In this case, aggression takes the form of one person “putting a second person in his place” because the second person has questioned the elevated opinion the first person has of himself. Many of the previous explanations apply to Raul, except that we must understand the dynamics of his parents. His mother decided to separate, even though everyone told her she shouldn’t take him away from his father. She decided that her primary responsibility was to protect her son from aggression. But, she always wondered whether she had done the right thing, especially when she listened to the recriminations of her family. This mom developed the attitude of ‘my poor son’ and tolerated his crying and tantrums, blaming herself for them, thereby accepting Raul’s aggressive behavior. It is certain that the family and society play important roles in forming the behavior of children. Those who think that the world around them is hostile (whether this is reality or the product of television and movies), have to react by developing their power and physical strength over others. The solution to consider is to reinforce the identity of children, showing them respect so they learn respect, self control, and discipline—elements not only essential to high self esteem, but also to living with others.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The Complexity of Trauma ...

Modern studies of magnetic resonance and neuro-images have found that there are three areas of the brain which are affected when a person lives through a prolonged trauma: the hypothalamus, the amygdala, and the frontal lobe. These areas of the brain cause people to continue experiencing and responding with stress to a trauma even when it no longer exists. Since the trauma-related brain changes are ongoing, a hormonal imbalance is created as well.

Such studies are of particular importance to women, since women experience emotional changes during their monthly cycle, pregnancy, post-childbirth, and menopause – all of which are caused by hormonal shifts. Such hormonal changes can cause imbalances that can then lead to depression.
Some women find temporary relief from premenstrual depression by satisfying their craving for chocolate or other candies. There is a biological explanation for such cravings, since the glucose may help to restore the hormonal imbalance that produces depression and its consequential behaviors, including concentration problems, memory blackouts, lack or excess of appetite, impulsiveness, and aggression.

Children can also be similarly affected by anxiety-induced hormonal changes. Those who have lived through physical, sexual or emotional abuse, who have witnessed episodes of domestic violence or other extreme conditions, may also react biologically. A study by Victor Carrion, M.D. of Stanford University found that a child’s anxiety that is the result of traumatic experiences is correlated with higher levels of cortisone, just as occurs in adults.

All of this indicates that recovery from a trauma is complex and takes time.

Sometimes we want to feel well and are unable to do so. This is because healing the soul depends not only on our emotional strength but on the body as well.

A body that has been punished by the pain of traumatic life events needs time to heal. This is why, in addition to medical and psychological treatment, patience is an important component of the healing process.

-Dr. Ana Nogales

“Am I Acting Out My Parents’ Infidelity Drama?”

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She was definitely upset about her mother’s affair, but I never thought it would lead to this.
- Father of 15-year-old Rona, referring to his daughter’s drug use and self-abuse

My father always had other women, so I just kind of thought it was normal. When I grew up, I would always be involved with men who were in relationships. And I remember making that almost a conscious thought, like, ‘Okay, guys cheat, it’s gonna happen anyway, and it’s better to be the other woman than the girlfriend or the wife or whatever’ and that’s kind of how I used to live my life.
- Female survey respondent, age 43

I enjoy anonymous sex more than intimacy. I’m always looking for the "next thing” and not appreciating the person in front of me.
- Male survey respondent in his 30s, referring to how he has been affected by his father’s infidelity


When children are unable to deal with the confusion and shame, anger and resentment that arise from a family’s infidelity scenario, they very often act out their painful emotions. A young child may withdraw socially, have temper tantrums or engage in other disruptive behavior. An older child of infidelity may become involved in substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, or other self-destructive behavior as a way to bury the hurt or demonstrate unacknowledged feelings about their parent’s actions. Rather than confront the distasteful, often shocking, reality that one of their parents sexually cheated on the other, children may distract themselves with unhealthy, self-abusive activities. If they identify with the betrayer, they may feel that lies are okay if you are pursuing an activity or a relationship you enjoy—and that it’s just a matter of not getting caught and learning how to cheat effectively. If their sympathies lie with the betrayed parent, older children and adult children may become victims of infidelity themselves; or they may choose partners with whom they can be the betrayer and thus act out a kind of revenge against their cheating parent.

You can read more in my book "Parents who cheat"