One of the most difficult life changes one can make is to break away from a long term relationship. Even if the reasons for the break-up far outweigh those for staying together, loneliness and fear of the unknown can hold us back. Regardless of the unhappiness, incompatibility, betrayal, or even abuse that motivates one partner to contemplate leaving the other, it is still common to cling to the slimmest possibility of a happier future. For many of us on the brink of a break-up, when we look at our mate, we see not only the person we know is not right for us, but also the one we once thought was "the one." It's not easy to give up on that hopeful image, even in the most hopeless of circumstances. And even when both parties agree that dissolving the relationship is the best course to take, neither is likely to avoid the emotional pain that follows a break-up. Which is why some people put off making the decision until the situation becomes even more unbearable.
So how do we make such an important decision? Is there a general guide one can follow to make this so needed change any easier? It may sound simplistic, but one key to making a change is to finally give up on what hasn't worked in the past. When you reach the point where you can say with conviction, "It is impossible to make this relationship work, and I refuse to be unhappy any longer" you'll discover that taking decisive action becomes almost automatic. Loretta, a client of mine who had endured years of emotional abuse from her husband, got to the point where she told herself, "I've had enough unhappiness. From now on, I will own my life-I will not hand it over to anyone else!" In order for Loretta to arrive at that decision, she had to firmly declare that she was giving up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that assertion, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.
The key is to know when to give up. When we are in tune with our emotions and our intuition, making the decision to stay or to leave is not so difficult. It will be obvious when we are expending energy on a relationship that has no hope of working out, and that it is time to grow in a new direction. By turning away from a relationship that holds no promise of happiness or fulfillment, we free ourselves to consider new possibilities. And if we are open to new paths, life will always provide them.
- Dr. Ana Nogales
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