Can you really call that love?

Learning to turn away from an abusive relationship is not always easy. Many survivors of domestic violence have told me that one of the most difficult obstacles to leaving an abusive relationship is confusion over what constitutes abusive behavior. They say that while it should be simple to tell when you're being abused, sometimes it's not. If someone hits you, that's interpreted by most people as abusive. But what about the love between you and your partner, which you may feel is still there? The shared history, which makes it hard to imagine a future without this person? Or the promises he or she makes to change their behavior? How do you weigh such factors that seem to modify or cancel out a partner's violent episodes?

An abusive partner may promise to change or give you reasons to justify the violent or intimidating behavior, and at times those promises and reasons may seem to make sense. Which is why you may need a strong support system, including a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse, to help you draw the line between acceptable and abusive behavior-and to help you make decisions about how to live an abuse-free life.

Domestic abuse can never be part of a good relationship. When fear, intimidation, and cruelty are present in a relationship, can you really call that love?

- Dr. Ana Nogales

The melting pot

When we enter into a serious relationship with someone, we are attracted to the positive qualities in a potential partner, we feel passionately towards them. We often ignore or fail to see any negative attributes, and we fall in love.

But there is something else that influences our attraction to a prospective mate: our need to love and be loved. We also want someone with whom we can share our dreams for the future, someone we think of as our closest friend?

However, is the close connection that you wanted still possible if your partner abuses you? If he verbally, emotionally, or physically hurts you, can you still hope to have a good relationship?

Believe it or not, for many, this question is not so easy to answer.

I think it may be helpful if you can imagine yourself stirring a pot in your kitchen. Into this pot, you have put all the positive qualities your partner possesses, or once possessed. Perhaps generosity, passion, and a great sense of humor are his positive traits. Maybe it is the way he used to make you feel when you first got together: loved, valued, respected. Now, add into the pot the way he treats you when he gets angry: the violent threats, the disrespectful name-calling and abusive language, the slaps or punches.

Stirring those things into the pot is like stirring poison into your meal. Even if the ingredients are healthy and delicious to begin with, once the poison has been added, the meal cannot be eaten. The poison—the abuse, the violence, and the hurt—has spoiled everything else and if you partake of what is now in the pot, it will harm you.

Domestic abuse can never be part of a good relationship. When fear, intimidation, and cruelty are present in a relationship, can you really call that love?
 
- Dr. Ana Nogales

Leading a cultural double life

Whether we were born in the United States or have lived here only a short time, as Latinos we inhabit two distinct worlds.

One is the world of our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. This is the culture we hold in our hearts. The culture that embraces large families and close ties to aunts and uncles, cousins, and sisters-in-law. The culture that values tradition, respect for our elders, loyalty to old friends, and a sense of belonging to the community.

We also dwell in the multicultural United States, an environment so diverse that it is almost impossible to define. It is a world where the opportunity to pursue your dream is granted to every citizen. Where striking out on your own is hailed as heroic. Where women and men are more equal than anywhere else in the world. And where the individual is nearly always valued over the group.

Many of us grapple with the feeling that we have two separate identities.

We sense that when we move from one “world” to the other, we must somehow alter parts of ourselves in order to be accepted. And we wonder what we’re gaining and what we’re giving up in the process, how this “cultural double life” affects our relationships and the well-being of our families.

In Latino cultures, family, including extended family, is always our first priority. In mainstream American culture, family is defined as “nuclear” or immediate. For Latinos, feeling part of our community is an important aspect of our identity; whereas our acculturated self tells us that independence and doing our own thing are more important than group involvement.

As Latinos, we tend to be more formal, because formality is a way of showing pride in ourselves. But as Americans, informality makes us more approachable. Elders are treated with respect and reverence in Latino families, while youth and vitality are celebrated in American life. And when it comes to relationships, traditional male-female roles are more prevalent in Latino cultures; whereas more equitable roles for men and women are generally acceptable to most Americans.

As Latino-Americans, our cultural identity influences every aspect of our personal lives. The social customs in our country of origin; the roles we learned from our parents; the attitudes of our grandparents, which we may disavow but which are still with us on a subconscious level — each of these factors affects who we are and how we relate to the people we love.

Of course each of us has a distinct personality, family history, and set of personal concerns. But as Latinos living in the U.S., we also lead, at least to some degree, a cultural double life.

As most of us realize on an almost daily basis, living in two worlds at once can be challenging. But I believe this fascinating double life also enriches us, giving us greater opportunities to expand who we are. After all, why would we want to lose either the Latino or the American traits that combine to make us uniquely Latino-American?

- Dr. Ana Nogales

What If You’re Not Feeling So Thankful?

Image by K. Todd Storch via Flickr

As we approach the beginning of a new year, a time when families are called upon to embody a Norman Rockwell sense of togetherness and gratitude, some may feel pressured to become a family they’re not. There is a kind of national obligation to appear to be a close and happy family, even if just for this one meaningful time of the year.

But what if you don't have such great relationships with your family? What if your parents are overly critical, your children are not following a path you approve of, or you are estranged from your siblings for some significant reason? What if there are unresolved issues between members of your family and you dread the Holiday celebrations because you know you’ll have to fake it, keeping your resentments and anger under wraps?

It is certainly true that enjoying close, loving ties to one’s family can engender feelings of inner peace and spiritual well-being, especially in a world that is both unpredictable and materialistic. But is there still a reason to be thankful—even if your family falls far short of the idealized Rockwellian portrait? First of all, I think it’s important to recognize the obvious: ideal families are just that – ideal, not real. In every group of relatives sitting around Holiday tables in a few weeks there will be those suffering from marital problems, overbearing or neglectful parenting, sibling clashes, even dark secrets of misconduct or abuse.

Before we can turn our attention to gratitude, it’s necessary to grieve for the family we wish we had but do not. It’s never beneficial to ignore problems and simply tell ourselves to “appreciate what you have.” Some of us must cope with more serious family issues than others, and such difficulties require more from us than those who may be blessed with a happier family life.

After acknowledging what may be missing in our family relationships, each of us can then focus on the positive. Perhaps you had a good relationship with one of your relatives in the past, and you are working things out so that things may get better in the future. Maybe there is one family member with whom you have a special connection, with whom you feel free to be yourself. Or perhaps you have created a “family” with trusted and beloved friends, a group you feel more “related to” than the family into which you were born.

However you arrive at that place of gratitude, take the time to let your feelings of gratefulness resonate. Being honestly thankful can be more challenging for some than for others. But sometimes those challenges enhance the true spirit of the Holidays.

- Dr. Ana Nogales

Does the holiday spirit vanish with childhood?

Image via Wikipedia

The holidays can usher in an emotional tug of war-between happy childhood memories and not-so-happy adult tensions. For many, the disconnect between how the holidays felt then and how they feel now can lead to cynicism and even depression. Perhaps when you were a child, your family's festive celebrations, special meals and treats, and brightly wrapped packages made you believe in the magic of the season. But now those recollections may only make the upcoming holidays seem like a fraud, as phony as leaving cookies and milk for Santa. The preparations and festivities continue, but the feeling is gone.

When we compare our childlike excitement to our current end-of-the-year stress, it's no wonder we often wind up with the blues. Even if we'd like to recapture the December thrill we once felt, how is that possible with so many pressures? This year in particular, many have lost their jobs or their homes, struggle to pay bills, or wonder how they'll afford to buy holiday gifts. Some families are anxious about loved ones who are putting their lives on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan. And all of us have personal concerns that can interfere with our enjoyment of the holidays.

Experiencing the delight we once felt as children doesn't come as easily when we're worried about relatives in the military, financial woes, or a troubled relationship. But that doesn't mean we have to consign ourselves to a go-through-the-motions holiday season. The holidays are whatever we choose to make them. We can be miserable, or we can consciously create a new type of celebration. We may not feel like we once did upon discovering our first gift-filled stocking, but we can still strive to feel the love that this season celebrates.

I believe that it is in our power to feel connected to the season in a meaningful way-if we allow ourselves to approach the holidays a little differently. You might reach out to someone you find interesting and make time to get together; take a walk at night with a child who will thrill to the Christmas lights; or get up the nerve to join a sing-a-long in your community. You could also spend some quality time alone doing something that brings you joy-painting, baking, dancing, or watching your all time favorite movie. Or how about sharing your time with those who are in a hospital or a homeless shelter?

A few years ago I had the best Christmas I'd ever had when I went to visit a fourteen-year-old cancer patient at the Children's Hospital. I thought it would be depressing, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. Not only was I received with gratitude and a radiant smile, I also got the chance to appreciate how important it is to share our love while we still can.

While we may not feel the same joyful anticipation of a six-year-old waiting for Santa, we can make the conscious choice to feel the love within us-somehow, some way.

Sex, Love and the Wise Latina

I am very excited to invite you all to my next event: Sex, Love and the Wise Latina. I will be speaker for the Wise Latina Society.

The event will take place on November 7 from 1-3pm at the Latino Museum of History, art and Culture (LATC) , in downtown Los Angeles. Seating is limited.

I'd love to see you all there and enjoy this Inaugural Event.

- Dr. Ana Nogales.

Web Extra! Dr. AnaNogales in FoxLA.com

You can access my web interview from myFOXla by following this link.

"...

Los Angeles (myFOXla.com) - Dr. Ana Nogales just wrote "Parents Who Cheat" which explores the effects infidelity has on the children. The book features stories of children struggling to understand their parents' adultery, as well as case histories of adult children coping with unresolved issues related to parental infidelity.
Dr. Nogales talks more about her book in this exclusive web interview.

..."