Family secrets anyone?

Millions of adults share a common family secret: one parent cheated on the other. But does having a parent who cheated necessarily affect one’s own intimate relationships? It can…but it doesn’t have to.

Image by extranoise via Flickr

If children don’t get help in dealing with the confusion and shame, anger and resentment that arise from a parent’s infidelity, they very often act out their painful emotions. A young child may withdraw socially or have temper tantrums. An older child may become involved in substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, or other self-destructive behavior as a way to bury the hurt or demonstrate unacknowledged feelings about their parent’s actions.

Having a parent who cheated doesn’t inevitably result in your own problematic relationships, but when you don’t fully understand your emotional response to parental infidelity, there can be serious repercussions. For instance, if your sympathies lie with your betrayed parent, it’s possible that you may become attracted to someone who will cheat on you, as an unconscious way to work through your feelings about your parents’ relationship. Or you may choose partners with whom you can be the betrayer, and thus act out a kind of revenge against your cheating parent. If you identify with the betrayer, you may feel that cheating is okay — and that it’s just a matter of not getting caught.

- Dr. Ana Nogales